Page 72 of A Bride for the Devilish Duke
“I… I have always felt it made me less of a woman,” she continued, summoning all her courage to say it so openly. “That I did not deserve anything intimate, and this was fate’s way of making that decision for me. It was why I never wished to marry, why I avoided courting like the plague.”
They stepped through the gate and began following a path between tall birch, elm, and ash. Sunlight filtered between interlaced branches, dappling the ground.
“Yet, you say there is no need to be ashamed. And you have seen me... without my clothing. You have... touched, and...”
“Gloried in your nakedness,” Damien finally finished for her.
She looked at him, seeing the upturned corners of his mouth and the fierce desire in his eyes.
“Yes. But your words are just that.Words. We find it easy to speak of things we do not feel, don't we? When they suit best our interests. I have seen you do it too many times for the rest of the ton first-hand. How can I know it is all not the same?”
Damien pondered for a moment. “You are correct in your assertions of my behavior. There would be little I could say or do that would change your mind. All I can say is, on this matter, I speak the truth. From the moment I laid my eyes on you first, no woman has compared to your beauty.”
Emma tightened her grip on his arm and pressed her body against his. She saw his eyes close for the briefest of seconds. Half of a heartbeat. Saw the shiver that ran through him.
Pleasure or revulsion?
His cologne was musky with a hint of spice. The soap he used mingled with it, as did the fragrance of his laundered clothes, to produce something entirely and uniquelyhim. Emma had become accustomed to it, when she dined with him, when she walked arm in arm with him, on those few occasions when his reserve appeared to break down and desire flooded through, those occasions when he held her in his arms. Those moments haunted her dreams thereafter.
She colored prettily. “And yet we do not share a bed. We have shared moments of intimacy, sparingly so, but you alwaysbecome cold afterward. It is as if you are at war with yourself. Allow yourself moments of weakness and then become angry at the weakness. At yourself,” Emma said, fearing his reaction to such openness.
Damien stared at the ground, brows furrowed. His eyes stared through the bluebells, the moss, and the tree roots to something that Emma could not see—to a place she could not follow him to.
“I thought that… given theforcednature of our marriage, the least I could do would be to free you from any worry of being obligated into marital relations that you did not want. I have made it clear why I sought our marriage. You have made it clear why you accepted. And you seemed content with the arrangement.”
“Because I did not believe that you desired any more from me,” Emma said breathlessly. “And because I desired the touch of no man—none at all. But now, the idea still leaves me wanting to run away, but if the man is you...”
“Any feelings you may believe you have for me are based on a fallacy,” Damien interjected curtly.
“And what is that?” Emma asked.
“You believe that you know me. You do not.”
“Then enlighten me!” Emma cried, “I am your co-conspirator in this plan to fool the ton and the Regent and restore thereputation of your name. Orourname, for I am now a Fitzgerald, too! Trust me further and tell me what I do not know!”
Damien tried to pull away from her, but Emma would not allow it. She clung to his arm, placing herself before him, seeking his eyes. Damien looked away, and there was open war on his face.
Fighting the desire to tell her all.
What held him back? What secret did he have that he could not utter? She did not know how much longer she could bear living this lie. To want so much and know that she would always be outside the wall he surrounded himself with.
“I swore an oath to one that I would not,can notbetray,” Damien said, brokenly, “and if you knew the full truth, you would wish that you did not.”
“An oath? To whom?” Emma pressed.
“To my brother,” Damien whispered.
“But your brother is at rest. Passed away. It is laudable that you wish to keep your promise, but surely he would not ask you to hide it from your...”
“No!” Damien snapped, “You do not understand what you ask.”
“Because you will not explain!” Emma groused. “I cannot simply lock away a part of myself and live a lie. I thought I could for the sake of duty and my family, but I cannot!”
“We will continue as we are,” Damien uttered, but Emma could see the emotion he held viciously in check. Water swelled in his eyes, and he could not bring himself to look at her.
“We will continue as we are. Living a lie and denying the desire of our own hearts. To what end? I cannot continue like this,” Emma whispered.
“We must,” Damien replied stonily.
