Page 86 of Want It All
‘Rage isn’t a big enough word for what I felt,’ he continued at last. ‘That alpha had taken my sister, taken my best friend. And he didn’t even have the guts to stay with her while she was broken and dying.
‘It was easy to find the address of his packhouse. Easy to wait until the police returned him home on bail, pending his trial. Easy to use my bark to make him come outside, easy to let my fists fly.’ He swallowed. ‘It was what I was used to. He looked up at me and told me to keep going. That he deserved it.
‘The worst thing is that I don’t think he was evil. He was stupid, arrogant, and careless. And that was enough. His carelessness took the best thing in our lives. It was enough to break our family. Enough to change everything we’d known, enough to tear our hearts in two.’
He moved, and I could tell he was looking down at me. I lifted my chin, looking back at him.
His jaw worked. ‘The government and the APF don’t tell the public that a rut and an instinct blackout start the same way,’ he went on, his voice lowering as if someone might hear. ‘My vision went white. I’d never had a rut before, and I didn’t know what was happening. I just saw clouds in my eyes and the alpha who had killed my sister on his knees. So I kept punching, and that’s the last thing I remember.’ He blew out a breath. ‘I’ve seen the footage. I know what I did, and what I kept doing. I know that it took dad to stop me. But I don’t remember it, Rose. It’s like I fellasleep. And when I woke up …’ He trailed off. ‘I woke up in a bed that wasn’t mine, in a room I didn’t know, with what seemed like a thousand monitors strapped to my body. But my alpha settled, and Ididwake up. Some alphas don’t.’
The weight of his stare was almost unbearable, but I made myself meet it. If he’d been strong enough to get through it, then I could be strong enough to hear about it and not look away. I wondered how many alphas had never come back to themselves, whose bodies became a husk ruled by the creature beneath their skin.
‘It took a while to … adjust,’ he went on at last. ‘I was watched every moment of the day. They like to study us, because instinct blackouts aren’t a common thing. In the past, they didn’t even know what caused it. Medical textbooks will say it’sa critical surfeit of hormones, causing permanent or temporary cognitive collapse. They’ve found no links to existing illnesses, either physical or mental, and there are no factors they can find that make an alpha more or less susceptible, other than their designation. One of my doctors told me it was simplya thing that can happen, which wasn’t a comfort then, and still isn’t now.
‘And then … I had to relearn my life without Tina in it.’ His breath hitched; I felt it beneath my cheek. ‘It wasn’t easy. I think about Tina every day. I’ve spent the last seven years making sure that I was never in a situation where I might go into a rut. But when I saw you like that, Rose, flushed and perfect and needing, the rut started to rise and my vision went cloudy –’
‘I understand,’ I whispered, wrapping my arms around him as another tear ran from my cheek down my neck. ‘I understand.’
‘Thank you,’ he said, a long moment later. ‘For understanding.’
The sea was darkening, the points of white silvering as the moon rose. I shivered, even with Byron’s warmth pressed against me. ‘Do you think it will happen again?’
‘I don’t know. I hope not. The doctors don’t think so, but I can’t give any guarantees. And I’ll likely be wearing monitors forever.’
‘And if we decide you’re worth the risk?’ I said softly.
He swallowed. ‘Rose –’
‘Please give us a chance, alpha,’ I whispered. ‘Please let us in.’
‘I need to tell you something else,’ he said dully. ‘Tristan –’
‘Told Sebastian to kiss me at the first-year party so he would make me slick, compromising me in exchange for membership to the Revels?’ I interrupted.
He stared at me, frowning, turning his body to face mine. ‘Tristan is –’
‘Sorry,’ I broke in again, looking him in the eye. ‘He’s sorry for what he did. He told me about it, apologised, and looked after me when –’
‘When I left.’ Byron looked out at the sea once more.
‘Yes,’ I said. ‘When you left.’ I reached up and gently turned his face back towards me. He blinked at me. ‘I’m angry about what Tristan did. I won’t pretend I’m not. But I’ve seen his good side, too, and he’s genuinely sorry. He’s Sebastian’s alpha, so he’s mine, too, even if he needs to rethink his priorities. He fucked up and so did Sebastian, keeping all the secrets he did; they both know it. But one bad thing doesn’t have to define our relationship. One mistake doesn’t have to define our future.’
He searched my face, his eyes darkening as the light faded. ‘Do you really believe that?’
I knew he wasn’t just asking about Tristan and Sebastian. ‘How do we learn, if we can’t make mistakes?’ I answered. ‘How do we grow, if we can’t change?’
His hand came up; he smoothed my hair back from my face. ‘Do you still want the Banksia Prize?’
‘Of course I do.’ My heart beat faster at the thought of battling against Sebastian. ‘Seb might be my scent match, but I’m not giving up on what I want, even if he wants it too.’
‘Good.’ His thumb stroked over my cheek. ‘You deserve that prize.’
I climbed into his lap, pressing my cheek to his chest. He was still for a moment, then his arms came around me, holding me tight. I’d never felt quite so sheltered as I did in that moment, soothed by his solidness and the rhythmic sound of his heartbeat.
After a few minutes of us listening to the waves, he sighed. ‘My heart almost stopped that night, you know,’ he said softly, ‘when I saw you on your knees. You were the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. But I would have been satisfied withthis, Rose. Just with the privilege of holding you.’
‘It was too fast for you,’ I said, realising. ‘It was too much, too soon.’
‘Maybe.’ He nuzzled my hair. ‘Although I need you to know that I want you very much. But I hadn’t known what to expect, and my alpha … Well, my alpha liked ittoomuch, perhaps.’
