Page 57 of Want It All
I didn’t remember what I’d done when I’d blacked out. I had flashes occasionally, mostly when they changed my meds.
I rubbed my face with my hands. When Tristan had shoved his phone under my nose in the study room those few weeks ago, the screen showing my face contorted with rage – the grey eyes that came from my mother blank and empty, my fists covered in blood – I’d recoiled.
I’d looked like that. Like a fuckingmonster.
And I’d never stop hating myself for it.
I checked the clock; seven-thirty. It was Sunday, so I forced myself out of bed, trying to shake off the dream.
Tristan and I had a tacit agreement that he took the omegas to the dining hall by himself on Sundays, while I made my way to the staff wing and had breakfast with my parents. Today, I didn’t feel like goinganywhere. Seeing Rose would have grounded me, but I hated the thought of looking at her while I remembered the dream of Tina’s face dripping blood.
And seeing my parents always made the past bubble to the surface.
Progress isn’t linear, Dr. Ford reminded me.
My phone buzzed. I picked it up, half-hoping it was him. Somehow, he always knew exactly what to say.
The text was from Pravin.Are you coming tonight?
‘Fuck,’ I muttered. I’d been so focused on planning my movie night with Rose that I’d completely forgotten about the scent party.
My eyes flickered to the blister of scent blockers next to my bed. If I decided to go, I’d need to skip this morning’s dose.
I dialled Dr. Ford.
He answered immediately, as he always did. ‘Good morning, Byron.’
Did he ever sleep in?‘Hi, Dr. Ford.’
‘I’m glad you called me. How are Rose and Sebastian recovering?’
‘They seem to be fine. Mum made them both have follow-up appointments with the campus doctor, and she didn’t have any concerns.’
‘I’m glad to hear it.’ He paused. ‘Was there something you needed to talk about?’
I inhaled. ‘There’s a scent party tonight.’
He took a moment to answer. ‘Ah.’
Scent parties were illegal, so I understood his wish to navigate carefully. ‘I’ve been invited,’ I added.
‘I assume this conversation is to be kept between you and me?’
Some of the things we discussed – my general progress and Tina, mostly – were shared with a team of APF doctors, and reports were sent to my parents, for the purpose of them offering more support when I needed it. But other things were entirely private. ‘Yes, please. I haven’t decided whether I’ll tell mum yet.’
‘I imagine that’s a decision you’re thinking seriously about.’
He was right, because I had no idea what mum would think. She’d ignored the commencement party – well, she’d helped set some of it up – but commencement parties weren’t illegal. I didn’t know how she’d respond to this one. ‘Yes. I have been thinking about it.’Before Rose mentioned a movie night and my priorities changed. ‘I’ve been thinking about whether … Whether I should attend.’
‘What are the reasons to go?’
‘I might catch a scent I like. I might have fun.’ I dragged a hand through my hair. ‘Fuck, I might be able to relax for five minutes.’
‘And against?’
‘I might catch a scent that I like,’ I repeated dryly. ‘I might have a fucking awful time. I might … I might …’ I inhaled. ‘I might lose control.’
‘Do you think that’s likely?’
