Page 70 of Love Me Like It's Real
“Hey!” He pushes me away and I can’t help but laugh.
“It’s not a bad thing.”
“It’s not?”
I shake my head. “All my life I felt like I was trapped. First in my body. Then in my marriage. Then in society. I’ve been so busy trying to survive that I haven’t lived. You make me feel…” I hesitate. I don’t know if I should say this or not. I don’t know how he’ll take it but he hangs on to my every word. “Alive. You make me feel alive.”
I brace myself for his reaction but it’s only a grin. That’s less scary than I thought it’d be. “You make me feel alive too.”
I scoff at him. “Right!”
“It’s true!”
“How is that possible? You get some dick every chance you get.”
“Is that what you think?” he asks.
“Well, aren’t you?”
He opens his mouth to say something but seems to change his mind and he just shrugs and takes a hit to cover up his silence. Then he passes the joint to me.
“Do you…” he starts but stops, giving me a chance to take a puff. “Do you think what we’re doing is okay?”
I frown. “Did I…did I do something wrong? It feels like we’re doing it right.”
He chuckles but his smile fades quickly. “No. I mean…this fake dating thing. We’re doing it for your girls but…do you think that’s right? Isn’t what we’re doing going to end up in disappointment when we…stop doing this?”
A shiver goes through me. I don’t want to stop doing this with him. It’s like he’s helped me find my sexuality again and it would feel like a sin to just…stop.
“They’ve been through so much,” I say. “Their dad has given them nightmares. I think seeing their poppy in love…fake love,” I rush to add. “I don’t think it can hurt them. They deserve a little happiness even if it’s short-lived. Besides, you don’t know them. They moved on from interest to interest like it’s going out of fashion. Once this Season of Love festival is over they’ll go back to being little demons fighting over everything and they’ll forget we ever were a thing.”
He studies me for a few moments and he only breaks eye contact when I pass him the joint, which is when he says: “What if they think I’ll be their new daddy?”
I laugh.
“What?” He laughs, too.
“I think they’ll survive.”
“I’m being serious,” he says.
“Me too. Do you know how many guys they’ve tried to get me to go out with? Before you it was Caspian, the guy from Special Blend.”
He frowns.
“Don’t worry. Nothing happened. He was already in a will-they won’t-they with another guy. Anyway, before him it was another guy, a neighbor, before that it was my lawyer. They just…I think it’s less about needing a new daddy and more about seeing me happy. They think me having a boyfriend is what’s going to make me happy. That’s all.”
He stares at me with a deep, meaningful gaze that I could interpret as something it’s not but knowing him I don’t want to.
“They’re young and innocent. They don’t know boyfriends are the devil incarnate,” he huffs after a moment and laughs but his expression turns serious again.
I laugh too but I can’t help but feel a twist in my stomach. As if I hate that he feels that way. As if…as if I want him to be more than a fake date.
But that’s just bullshit.
This isn’t real. We’re not boyfriends. We’re not dating. We’re just…fucking.
“By the way,” I say and find the lever that pulls the seat back, “You promised to fill me. Are you up to the task, sailor?”
