Page 101 of Clean Slade
“So it was you! I knew it was you.” I attempted a laugh, but it sounded desperate. Pathetic.
“Of course. Who else could it be?”
“Who’s Rex?”
He shrugged.
“Just a name I use for business.”
“Was that what I was?”
He shook his head.
“But I couldn’t give you my real name. I hated my real name. I hated who I was. I didn’t want to share it with anyone. It didn’t feel like me anymore. So I gave you the only name I had besides that.”
“I never forgot about you.” I didn’t know if it mattered in the grand scheme of things, but I needed him to know.
“Me neither.” He leaned into my touch and smiled. “You were the fantasy I escaped to every time I needed the escape.”
“You…you don’t mean…”
He nodded.
“I haven’t been with anyone since you. Crazy, right?” He laughed, but it didn’t get past his lips.
“Why?”
“Because…I didn’t think I deserved it. Idon’tthink I deserve it. And I was scared of attachments. Aren’t you supposed to share everything with those you love? Well, how could I without losing them?” He sighed. “I’m all fucked in the head.”
He turned away, but I pulled him back to me.
“You’re not fucked in the head. We all carry our demons. We just have to find the one to help us fight them.”
He leaned back and cocked his head to the side, observing me.
“Are you real? You don’t feel real?”
“Does this?” I leaned over and claimed his lips again.
He bit into me like people pinched their skin to find out if they were dreaming, and when he pulled away, he was on the verge of tears again.
“It is,” he said. “God, how can you want this? How can you want me? After what I did? After what I have to do?”
I pulled him into the crook of my neck and squeezed him tight. And I would keep doing it until he believed I was going nowhere.
“What does he want with you now? Who is Salieri?” I asked him.
He breathed against me and sighed.
And then he told me. He told me about the meeting with his father and his terms, and about the drugs and Raymond and everything that had happened while I was living under his roof, looking after his daughter.
“It sounds like, all this time, you needed me to look after you too,” I told him when he looked at me, searching my eyes for an answer.
“I did. I do. So much.”
I kissed him again. I hugged him again. I loved him again.
“I’ll take care of you, King. I’ll take care of everything. I promise.”
