Page 68 of Mother Parker
Autumn turned her body so she could face me and cocked her head from side to side.
“Is…is that bad?”
Was it…?
“I don’t know.”
When she put it like that, I truly didn’t.
“Did he force you to?”
“No!” I said defensively. I didn’t like the suggestion.
“Did you force him?”
“I-I don’t think so.”
Her hand rested on my knee and she took a deep breath.
“Was that the first time you’ve kissed a man?”
I nodded, dipping my head, too filled with shame to even look her in the eyes.
“Why did you do it?”
“Because…because he made me feel…seen. Heard. Good.”
“Is that the first time someone of the same sex made you feel that way?”
My chest was tight again. I didn’t like this conversation. I didn’t like anything about this, but…
“No. Yeah. Kinda. There was this commander. I…kept dreaming about him. I hung on his every word. And he made me happy when I saw him. But I thought it was just…admiration. That I wanted to be him.”
“Okay. Did something happen with the commander?”
I shook my head. “No. I would never—I don’t even think he was—no.”
“Was that the only other time?”
I hated this. I hated all of this. All these things I’d tried to bury for so long. The things I’d tried to forget. Why was this happening to me?
“No. I…I don’t know. When I was younger, I was curious, but…you know how our parents were. I thought it was wrong. It’s a sin to even think about it.”
I didn’t even know if I was speaking anymore or just thinking. Could she even hear me?
“You do realize our parents’ worldview wasn’t gospel, right? There’s nothing wrong or sinful about those feelings.”
I shrugged again.
“What’s different about Hwan? Why do you think you kissed him?”
“Because…he’s sweet with me. And patient. So patient. No one’s been patient with me before. And every time he smiles, I feel it here.” I patted my chest with a fist and tasted the bitterness of my tears between my lips.
“That’s a wonderful feeling, Parker. That’s nothing to feel ashamed about.”
“It is wonderful,” I said, realizing for the first time I was right. It was wonderful. But why did I still feel shame?
“Have you ever felt like that for anyone? For your ex-wife? Your girlfriends?”
