Page 115 of Mother Parker
And when I looked down, I realized it wasn’t the cold causing all this, but the hole in my shoulder gushing blood.
And at that realization, the pain thundered through me.
TWENTY-FOUR
HWAN
What the hell just happened?
How did we go from chill after-work evening to love confessions and walking out?
How did we go from “I’ve never been with a man before” to “I love you?”
He shouldn’t be feeling anything close to love for me. Not now. Not yet.
Did I like the words coming out of his mouth?
I did. I so,sodid.
They were words I’d never expect to come out of that man,anyman like him.
They were the kind of words I’d dreamed all my life of hearing, but this thing between us, this whole relationship, affair, arrangement, whatever the hell it was, wasn’t supposed to lead to love.
I had a business to run, a future to secure, and a bunch of criminals to get rid of. Falling in love was just not in the cards for me. Not for a long while. Maybe ever.
I stuffed my mouth with spaghetti, but as nice as it probably was, all I could taste was cardboard. Every bite drier than the last, every mouthful harder to swallow, every part hard to digest.
How could I have done this to him? How could I have done it to myself? I’d led us both on. I’d gone against my plan. And now he was in love with me, I’d hurt him, and I’d lost the one person that made me feel good about myself.
I gave up on eating, tried the TV, tried sleeping, tried anything, but it was futile. I was restless. My mind was going round in circles.
This wasn’t supposed to happen.
What did I expect? That I could just fuck him in perpetuity and never catch any feelings?
That I could fool when I pleased and expect him to be at my beck and call like a good faithful fuck buddy?
That I could just wine and dine him, spend time with him, and not feel anything at all?
I’d made a mess of everything. I’d made a mess of my life. And here I thought I was being smart when I just went and fell in love with him too.
Because I had.
Of course I had.
I may have tried to fool myself, call it any other name, pretended he didn’t make my heart explode every time he touched me, that his voice didn’t awaken senses I didn’t know I had, or that his secret, beautiful smile didn’t give me life, but it had been a lie.
Trying to convince myself I wouldn’t or couldn’t fall in love with him was a lie.
And now, both of us would end up with a broken heart because of it.
Oh, Hwanchan, how did you let this happen?
I gave up trying to occupy or distract myself and collapsed in the middle of my house, reliving the last few hours. Hell, the last few weeks.
It had been my fault. I’d made it my mission to crack Parker’s code, win his heart, seduce him into my life as if he were a game and not a real person.
I didn’t stop to think of the consequences, of what it would do to him if we did fall in love.
