Page 41 of Fresh Start
Leo's eyes shone in the dark, and when his lips drew up to a smile, relief washed over me.
"How could I stay angry? You're the perfect Detective Strong."
My heart skipped a beat and the hairs on my arms tickled my skin. How had I abandoned this man? Why had I been so stupid?
"You were telling me about the time after you won the show?" I whispered to get the attention back to Leo, because I didn't know what to say.
"It was fun. For a while. We were on top of the world. Everyone loved us. Everyone wanted us. But it became apparent very quickly that these guys didn't like me very much. I mean, I thought it was because they'd grown up together and I was the stranger. But it went deeper than that. There wasn't much we could do about it. We were stuck together. It just meant I had an independent life offstage, while they all spent their every waking moment living and breathing their music and the money they were making.
"We had everything we wanted, but they wanted more. Their true colors started showing, and I didn't like the shade of men they were, let's just leave it at that. Things became unbearable, and I wanted out. I wanted to pursue my acting career. But our agent at the time wouldn't hear it. I was the one who had made us. It was my voice that had given us all this success, and as much as they disliked me, they put up with me to get their chunky paychecks.
"I put up with their shit for six years before I gave up. It had helped that during that time, I got an agent for myself while I was trying to kickstart my acting career. I did a few films, mostly indie, and it gave me the confidence I needed to go through with it. When I did, you’d have thought the world was ending. I told them I was happy for them to continue without me. They wouldn't be the first or the last band to do it."
"Yeah, but most bands broke up shortly after losing a member, right?" I added.
Leo tilted his face to the side and seemed to think about it.
"You know what? I never thought about it this way. I guess I was too fed up to see clearly." He paused for a second, but another second later, he shook his head and continued. "Anyway, that's when the threats started. Instead of being happy they were finally rid of the ‘"stranger,’" as it was always meant to be, and as they repeatedly pointed out over the years, they started bashing me. Everything that had happened to me during my time with them was fair game. My drinking problem, which they were the catalyst for. All my trips to rehab. They were raging homophobes, and it took me a long time to realize, but it didn't help my self-esteem. So of course, when everything was out in the open, what else was left?"
"Your sexuality," I finished for him. There had never been any doubt in my mind that Leo had chosen to come out. Even in my wildest dreams, I wouldn’t have imagined he’d been forced out of the closet.
Leo pointed at me and winked. "Bingo. When my agent told me they were about to do it, because at that point my agent was also my publicist, and he still is, I decided I couldn't give them the pleasure of putting their own spin to my sexuality. They'd done it with everything else, but who I was, was something I had to own. And do it in a way that was the least harmful to my career and myself."
I couldn't believe it. If someone tried to do that with me, I don’t know what I would do. Thankfully, the few men I’d slept with had been people that also had something to lose if they came out. Of course, nowadays, I kept my secret a secret by not sleeping with anyone. I wondered if Leo was able to tell by how tight I was. I hadn't been fucked in a long time. And my only relief had been my hand for longer than I dared to admit.
"What a bunch of dicks. And to think I used to like them. Needless to say, I don't anymore.” I huffed.
"I'm pretty sure one of them is a closet case." Leo laughed. "But I never said anything. I don't want them to think I'm trying to convert anyone."
"It sounds like we've both been through a ton of shit since we last saw each other."
Leo nodded and turned to look at me.
"My life was hell without you," Leo said.
As soon as he said it, Leo closed his eyes and pursed his lips.
I grabbed Leo's chin, the touch making him open his eyes.
"You must think I'm hopeless." Leo sighed.
I moved my hand on Leo's cheek and caressed it with all the love I could muster.
"My life was hell without you too," I said, and the words made me choke because...because it was true.
Twelve
Leo
Icouldn't believe how quickly the tables had turned between Dawson and me. Only hours ago, I’d been angry and frustrated, and now, we were all loved up in bed reliving the past.
Revealing to each other what we’d been through had been the saddest and sweetest moment of the night. We had another round of sex, this one more tender than the previous ones. And that's how the night went on. A little bit of sleep, a little bit of talk, a little bit of sex.
Come next morning, I felt like I knew Dawson inside out again. It was as if the last seventeen years of our lives had been erased and we were starting with a clean slate. I’d also realized that Dawson's fame and stardom had come at a price. It frustrated me, what Dawson had been through and that I hadn't been there for him. But how could I have known?
During one of my dreams, I relived the events of our showcase night, back in the third year of college. I still forgot my lines, frozen in the spotlight. Then Dawson came to my rescue and had recited some of my lines, trying to get me back to speed. But I went blank under the pressure of so many professionals among the audience.
Before I knew it, the performance was over, and everyone wanted Dawson. No one wanted me.
