Page 60 of Your Only Fan
He brings the back of his hand to his mouth and wipes his lips but keeps it there, the glasses dancing in his fingers.
“Were you really planning on telling me who you were that night? Or was it all a game?”
“It wasn’t a game,” I rush to tell him. He needs to know that was real. “I was. I was going to tell you.”
“So? What happened? Why didn’t you? Why did you act like I insulted you or something?”
I go back to that night and everything that happened. It’s hard to put to words. It doesn’t even make sense anymore.
“I don’t know. You said you were falling for me—for X—and I thought that meant you preferred him to the real me you’ve been crushing on. Which I know sounds like bullshit, but I never said it made sense. I… I just realized what we were doing was wrong, and I didn’t want to lead you on anymore. I thought I’d put a stop to it. Honestly, Ezra, I have no clue. My head was a mess—is still a mess.
“I know this is all fucked up, but if you take one thing from this nonsense I’ve been rambling about, take this. I’m in love with you. I’ve been in love with you for a long time. And I’ve been too scared to do anything about it because it’s wrong. I’m your teacher and you’re my student, and I didn’t think you could ever see me like I see you. But I realize now we’ve both been stupid.Iwas stupid. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything.”
The tears sting my eyes, threatening to pour, and my heart clenches so tight it might as well explode.
I haven’t got a clue what I just said and if any of it is even clear or if I sounded like a buffoon.
I need to get out of here. This was clearly a mistake. I can’t seem to stop making them lately.
What’s wrong with me?
“Can you ever forgive me? Can we start over?” I say before I change my mind.
He starts to shake his head, and my stomach sinks.
“I don’t know,” he says, rubbing his eyes.
I don’t hear the rest. I leg it out of there. It’s time I start making smart decisions. And that begins with not harassing, taking advantage of, or stalking my student.
I just need to get away. Maybe I need a break away from here. Something to help clear my head. Anything that will help me make better decisions. Whatever will help me stop being driven by my lust.
That’s what got me in this shit.
That’s how I ruined everything.
