Page 64 of Your Only Fan
Isaac
It’s over. It’s all over.
Well, at least I’ve had my chance to explain, to tell him why I did what I did even if there’s no excuse.
I wanted to let him know how I felt, and I have.
So why the fuck does it feel like I’ve just been knocked down by a bulldozer and I’ll never be able to stand up?
Talking to Linc didn’t help. It usually does. He’s usually able to give it to me like it is even if I don’t like it. But this time, what he had to say was… the fatal blow after Ezra’s face near-damn killed me.
“It’s time to move on,” he said.
But how?
How can I move on without Ezra? It’s been so long that his entire being has defined me, be it my subscription to his channel, my naughty orders, my sneaky glances during class, or our nightly trysts.
I’m not exactly sure what kind of Isaac exists without Ezra.
And I’m going to have to teach him again come September.
Fuck!
What am I going to do?
I look ahead on the road as if the answer lay there and witness the beauty of the Virginia sun setting down into the summer buzz of New Harlow, painting the sky in all dusky shades of reds, blues, and purples.
I wish he were here to see it with me. I wish I had another chance to say I’m sorry. I wish I had a million more chances. Any way to explain that, while my motives may have not been the most seemly in the beginning, it doesn’t mean I don’t care about him.
Hell, if anything, everything that’s happened this past year leading up to our anonymous encounters has paved the path to…
Yeah, I’m in love with him. There’s no two ways about it. What only started as a fascination grew into infatuation, obsession, caring. Bit by bit, he’s crawled into my heart and taken up permanent residence.
I’ve never felt like this before. I’ve never had this gnawing feeling inside eating me up every waking moment.
All my obsessions in the past with my high school crush, with Linc, my exes, they all wavered with time until I felt nothing at all.
Obviously, I still love Linc as a friend, but this is different.
Other than him, none of the others ever stayed long. Either because I was too creepy fawning over people I couldn’t have or because my initial excitement would die down during my relationships.
It’s never grown stronger before.
I’m so fucked.
I’ll need to figure out what I’m going to do after the summer. I don’t think I can look him in the eyes ever again, so if it means quitting my job or transferring somewhere else, then… so be it.
I’m sure given time this obsession, this… gnawing eating me inside out will fade away, too. I just have to accept it and move on.
A honking makes me jump, and my eyes refocus on the road. I look in the rearview mirror and the driver of the car behind me is punching his horn, red-faced.
The traffic light has turned green.
“Shit.”
I move off, but as luck would have it, just when I move, the light turns red again. It doesn’t really stop the guy running right behind me, tailgating me and overtaking the first chance he gets.
He does it all with his hand firmly pressed on his horn. Douche. Acting like the world hasn’t just ended.
