Page 57 of Your Only Fan
Isaac
“Just let him go,” Linc says, for the hundredth… no, the thousandth time.
We’re at Big Burger Life just outside the theater I’m going to be working at for the rest of the summer, and even though I ordered my favorite—Big Fat Vegan Burger—it won’t go down. I’m not a strict vegan, but of all their offerings, I do enjoy their veggie options better.
“How can I, Linc? He thinks I’m a creep. He thinks I used him.”
“You did,” he says, raising an eyebrow.
“Whose side are you on?” I throw a fry at him.
Surprisingly, he catches it with his mouth.
“I’m on the side of truth. You did use him. And you used him badly. I told you this wasn’t going to end well, so what did you expect to happen? That he’ll come on his white horse and carry you to your very own fairy-tale, happily ever after? Wake up and smell the horseshit, Ike. Youdiduse him. Of course he’s hurt.”
I shove the burger in my mouth even though I’m not feeling it just so I don’t have to acknowledge he’s right and I’m wrong.
I pick up my phone as I try to chew what feels like cardboard and check the app.
When I go into my inbox, I can’t find the message I sent him. I go back to my homepage and try to search for his profile, but it doesn’t show.
“Hiff vlok me?” I say, spraying the table and Linc with breadcrumbs.
“Gesundheit.” He grimaces.
I chew the rest of my mouthful and apologize.
“He’s blocked me, Linc,” I repeat, this time with clarity.
Linc, holding a bunch of napkins and wiping his face and clothes, pauses.
“And this surprises you why exactly? What did you expect?”
I shrug.
“I don’t know. I guess you’re right. I screwed up. But…”
“But butt out of my butt. We’ve been through this. Let him go. Even if he changes his mind, he probably needs time to process everything. You’ll see him again come September, so just… let go until then.”
He’s probably right, but it doesn’t feel right. I don’t like the idea of Ezra being mad at me. Thinking that all I wanted from him was sex.
Well, maybe at first, but I always wanted more from him than just sex. I wanted him to look me in the eyes with that same passion he does the camera when he’s fucking someone.
I wanted him to touch me the way he touches his backpack after class and to smile at me the way he smiles with his friends.
I can’t sit around when he thinks I’m the biggest monster in the world. I need him to at least know my side of the story. My truth. As perverted as it may be.
I find him on Twitter, but he’s blocked me there, also. Instagram? Same story.
“Come on, Ike. It’s time to work,” Linc says after a couple of minutes, and I nod.
We go to the theater and since he’s a guest for today’s workshop I let him do all the talking while I sit and feel sorry for myself.
Tomorrow. I’ll get him tomorrow, I tell myself and keep that as my mantra for the rest of the day.
Yet when tomorrow comes, he’s not in his Physical Theater class. It’s the last day of college, and he doesn’t turn up. Because of me.
Maybe I should let it go. Maybe Linc is right.
