Page 48 of The Illuminated
“Are you sure it’s okay for me to see your memories?” I asked. “I won’t look if you don’t want me to.”
“I’m sure,” Daelon said. “I don’t want to hide anything from you. Not ever again. Not even the things I’ve hidden from myself.”
“I swear that no matter what I see or hear, nothing can change how I feel about you.”
He nodded, and I’d never seen him this unsure. That was kind of histhingafter all—no uncertainty and no hesitation, just perfect control. Ever since that primordial trauma, he’d been fighting to control everything he could. Lucius and the castle had already taken so much of him as it was.
“Goddess, seal this circle for our protection. Within it, allow only truth and light. Aid us as we integrate Daelon’s shadow back into the whole, in perfect balance, just as you intend for us,” Amos said, taking position on the other side of Daelon’s body. “Follow the sound of my voice, child. You will survive this. You will be stronger for it.”
Daelon closed his eyes, but his grip around my hand remained firm. As Amos led him further into a trance, his grip loosened, and his hand went limp.
“This ritual is terribly invasive, Áine. Traumatic memories aren’t meant to be reintegrated all at once. And he needs the community of a coven to support him. Are you certain this needs to happen now?” Amos stressed, yet again, even as I felt the energy of our intent spill into the circle and await our direction. The ritual was already in progress.
I took in the deepest breath I could muster in an attempt to steady my racing heart. “I’m certain,” I said. “I know what we need. But we don’t have it, and we never will if he can flip his switch at any instant and unwittingly betray us.” Daelon deserved so much better than this, but it was all we had. “I will be there for him on the other side. I will support him no matter what.”
“As you wish, Keeper of the Old Ways…” Amos trailed off, his eyes suddenly white as he knelt over Daelon’s body. His hand outstretched into the space above Daelon’s third eye.
Amos was in the ocean of all natural magick and wisdom, catching a current into Daelon’s mind now that his shield was down. I could sense his unfiltered aura, and the darkness that had always lurked, always eluded my gifted sight, was expanded now and reaching toward us. It was like a malignant tumor of the soul, breeding shame, resentment, and denial that struggled to suffocate out every last drop of light.
“I still don’t know if I should look,” I whispered. I knew Daelon had granted me permission, and I also knew just how much that meant considering his shield was such a crucial part of his identity. He’d never been able to be truly vulnerable with anyone since he’d arrived in this castle, not if he wanted to survive. And it made my heart ache that he wanted me to be the first to see all sides of him. But was it really my place to see his deepest traumas and most egregious deeds without him being truly present? Did I even wantto?
“It will be hard not to see, but you may try,” Amos said, but his voice was at the end of a long tunnel.
I closed my eyes and joined him there. The tunnel was an extensive and narrow hallway, with dark blue walls and black doors along either side. Amos frowned, opening the first door to reveal a teenage boy in an open field. Another young man was sprawled out on the ground in front of him with his hands raised in the air.
“Don’t be fucking weak,” a tall, burly man bellowed, shoving the boy forward. “You’re useless to me if you can’t protect my son. Your shield will only get you so far. At some point you must wield the power of taking life. It’s better you practice now so you are prepared for when the stakes are higher.”
I looked away from the scene, but I couldn’t block out the grunts and the yells and then the eerie silence that followed.
“Gregory?” I asked, and Amos nodded sadly. Lucius’s father, training Daelon to be his son’s robotic soldier.
Amos was already opening the next door, and then the next, continuing on down the hallway. I tried to keep my eyes forward, but I couldn’t help but listen to the voices and the screams.
“Tell me right now or she’s dead,” I heard Daelon say.
“Please, please don’t. I don’t know where he is…” a woman’s voice echoed.
“It’s not violence if it’s for the good of my Kingdom, brother,” Lucius said from inside a different room.
I took one step after another, but my limbs dragged as if made of lead. The denial was heavy, so heavy. And the shame was enough to bring a lump to my throat and tears to my eyes. Daelon’s shadow wasn’t evil. He was terrified. He’d been trapped in a life he didn’t choose, and it had split him in two.
“I don’t want to talk. Get on the fucking bed.”
“Daelon,” a woman’s voice said. I quickly recognized it as Renata’s. “You can’t deal with everything this way. It will catch up to you.”
“I don’t recall asking for your opinion. No more talking. Or you will be punished.”
I didn’t look. I couldn’t look. I just kept my eyes on Amos, who was opening door after door until the end of the hall grew nearer.
The cacophony of conflicting voices and scenes began to mix together and grow louder like a twisted orchestra, and I had to fight the urge to assume a fetal position in the middle of it all and cover my ears until Amos made it all go away again.
Another door swung open.
“Lucius, what have you done?” I heard Daelon ask.
“Too much elixir, brother. I… couldn’t stop. Their pain tasted too sweet. I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t stop.”
Don’t look. Don’t look, don’t look, don’t look.
