Page 55 of The Love Ambush
“Because you’re going to break my heart,” I say. I didn’t want to tell him all this earlier, but I can’t remember why. I can’t imagine why I shouldn’t just tell him everything about me. He needs to know me, and I need to know him. “You promised you wouldn’t, but you don’t understand what you’re getting into with me. I’m a mess. My life’s a mess. And I’m a terrible guardian. I went out with friends for a couple of hours, and Emily snuck out and almost got assaulted by a rapey teenager. The only way to do better is to keep my eyes on those kids every single second, and that will be boring for you.”
He smoothes a hand over my hair. “You really think I’m that easy to scare away? Have you met your brother?”
I laugh, and it feels good. Being in his arms feels better than good. I can’t remember ever being this happy.
His voice vibrates against my cheek when he says, “The right guy will be willing to help with the kids.”
“The right guy shouldn’t have to do that,” I say, the happiness receding. Why is it always so hard to hold on to? “We all know how new relationships go. The first sparks of romance are always all-consuming. Right now, everything feels magical. Reality will kill the magic, and I don’t think I can handle you hating me.” I’m not sure I’m making sense. I’m not even sure I understand what I’m saying. I just know that giving in to what I feel for him is scarier than blood and clinicals.
“I wouldn’t,” he says. “Magic isn’t something that happens, Gentry. It’s something you have to work at. You being even remotely interested in me feels magical, and I don’t think that’ll ever change.”
“That’s really sweet nonsense.” I sit up and shove his chest to reinforce my point. It’s a very nice chest, and my hand lingers, stroking his firm pecs.
He doesn’t smile. He looks way too serious for a man on drugs. “It’s not nonsense. If you aren’t ready now, I’ll wait. I think we’ve got something that’s worth waiting a lifetime for.”
His words make me want to melt into him, but I can’t do that. I can’t let him fill my vision or I’ll end up like my mother, unable to see anything past the man she loves. Unable to do more than constantly strive futilely for a crumb of his attention.
“Have you ever been in love?” I ask.
He shakes his head. “Not yet. You?”
“No, love is scary.”
“Scarier than evil reindeer?”
I laugh because he’s ridiculous. “Why are you friends with my brother? You’re nothing like him.”
“Serious talk when I can barely feel my tongue,” he says.
I snuggle back against him. “Tell me.”
“I think it’s because he’s so different,” Levi says. I press myself closer to feel his voice vibrate against my ear. “Brodie’s just fun. He’s ambitious, and he can be as competitive as my brothers, but he knows how to relax and have a good time. I can be too serious, too hyper-focused on one goal, and Brodie showed me how to get out of my head. Laughing with him, going to parties with him, I’m not sure I’ve ever felt more relaxed in my life.”
“He’s got a serious side too,” I say, thinking of our conversation tonight. “I think some of what he does is just an act to prove to himself he’s not taking himself or life too seriously.”
“I can see that. I don’t like the way he treats you, though.”
“He’s not always like that. I think that douche-bag bit is an act he puts on, so no one knows how much he actually cares. It’s like armor to keep him safe. He wasn’t always the life of the party.”
“I remember,” Levi says. “He says that’s why he’s best friends with me. Because he was getting picked on in first grade for being the smallest, skinniest kid with the biggest glasses in the class, and I stuck up for him.”
“Sophie had the stomach bug last month, and I was up with her all night. I called Brodie at like four in the morning, once Sophie was finally asleep and calm, and cried about how much it had scared me when she got really pale and looked like she was going to pass out. I was exhausted and drained and felt like a failure. He stayed on the phone with me for over an hour, reminding me that Sophie was okay and I’d handled it and I’d be okay. He shipped us a bunch of stomach bug remedies and Sophie’s favorite book series and paid a huge amount to get it to us in one day.”
“I know he can be that guy,” Levi says, sounding as tired as I feel. “But he can’t just abandon you all and stop sending money.”
“He only promised to send money as long as he could reasonably afford to do it. He should get to have his own life.”
“While you give up yours?” Levi rubs my back, and his hand feels so warm and so good, even through my layers of sweater and shirt and t-shirt.
“That was the choice I made when I agreed to take the kids in. Brodie didn’t want me to do it. And he’s right. They would have been fine with our aunt. I chose to take them in, knowing I had no guaranteed good income. Brodie can be shallow and self-centered and careless with other people’s feelings. He probably should have given me a heads up about the money sooner, but he’s not a bad person.”
“He still shouldn’t stop sending you money,” Levi says. “Even if he has to work a second…” He trails off, and I’m too high to focus on the question I want to ask. Why would Brodie need a second job?
Instead of asking, I yawn and snuggle in more tightly against Levi.
We sit there in silence for I don’t know how long, Levi stroking my back. The moon is bright above us on the ceiling, but now I’m starting to understand that it’s not really the moon.
I’m also starting to feel how wrong I am for cuddling on Levi’s lap when I have so little to offer him.
