Page 48 of Suleem and Yahzi
I sighed and drank mine before I confessed my issue. “Suleem is stubborn and a hothead who acts without thinking about the consequences...”
“But you love him anyway.”
I nodded and put her tumbler on the table before she took mine and placed it next to hers. She shook her head, smiling in a way that almost felt sympathetic. “Even if you wanted to, you couldn’t change him, baby. Trust me, I’ve been trying for years and you see how that’s worked out. The only thing you can do is love him. More importantly, pray for and over him. You don’t get to choose how this works. Your heart chooses for you and yours made the decision to love him a long time ago, same as his did to love you. Unfortunately, the love you have and the man it’s attached to isn’t easy. Like you said, stubborn, hotheaded, and reckless. He’s also one of the most loyal and protective people I know. As hard as that is to accept, you’re not willing to let go of either of them.”
The man or the love he provides…
She was right. I wasn’t willing to let go but that didn’t mean seeing things like what happened at the park today didn’t have me worried that what Suleem put out in the world wouldn’t come back to him. It had before and that left me terrified that I could lose him.
“I’m not.”
She pulled me into a hug, squeezing me tightly before she let go. “Then there’s your answer. I love you, sweetheart. Now go on upstairs and tell him not to do that shit anymore. I have a date and I need to get dressed.”
I frowned. “You’re putting me out?”
“I damn sure am. I just gave you tequila. You’re not about to be out here snitching on me hollering girl code while you’re telling all my secrets.”
I dropped my mouth open but she didn’t so much as blink before she grabbed my arm and tugged me to the door. “Yeah, he told me you can’t hold water. Now go on upstairs and work that out so I can find something short and tight to put on.”
After she opened the door I was not so gently shoved out. She blew me a kiss and slammed the damn thing in my face. I removed my keycard from my purse to gain access to the tenth floor. As soon as I stepped off the elevator, I smelled whatever Suleem was smoking.
It was faint in the hallway but lingered thick in the apartment as soon as I walked through the door. I tossed my purse on the sofa and followed the cloud of smoke onto the balcony where I found him sitting in one of the patio chairs. Instead of going to him, I leaned my back against the railing across from where he was seated.
He kept his hooded eyes on me, allowing a cloud of smoke to seep through his lips before he spoke.
“You ready to talk to me without using your hands?”
I grinned and nodded. He inhaled from the blunt. “Come here.”
My feet moved even though my mind was telling me to be defiant. I straddled his lap and he inhaled from the blunt while using his free hand to grip my neck and bring me to him so he had access to my mouth.
The smoke passed from his lips, seeping between mine, and I let it settle. “You want another one?”
I nodded and he pulled from it again but took his time with a slow drag before he shared it with me, ending with a kiss once the smoke was completely transferred. “Say what’s on your mind, Yah.”
“I know you love me but your love will always be divided.” I brushed my fingers over the DP inked on his hand.
“You asking me to choose?”
I shook my head gently.
“Then tell me what you want because DP is the blood that flows through my veins and you’re the heart that pumps that shit. One doesn’t exist without the other. I need both to survive.”
“I know.”
“Then tell me what you want,” he said again. “I’ll give you whatever the fuck that is with one exception.”
Letting me go…
“I want you here.”
“I’m here but I have to show up the only way I know how.” He gripped my neck, brought my mouth to his, and kissed me. “I fucked up once. It won’t happen again and I know what went down at the park today makes it hard for you to trust that I got you. I swear on my life I do but you gotta let me be me.”
I let the pads of my fingers drag over the disruption in his beard from where the bullet entered his face three years ago. It was a reminder that no matter what, it was his life for mine, but that wasn’t my fear. My concern was losing him. Opening myself up to being loved by this man who had no fear that meant accepting his recklessness.
You don’t choose, your heart chooses for you…
“I want you to be you, but I also want you here, with me and one day with us…”
