Page 105 of The Crush
Isabel
I nearly turn around half a dozen times on the walk over, wondering how many Hail Marys I would have to pray in penance for leaving Daniel to fend for himself. However, as I reach the closest barn, I realize that karma has something else in mind.
“Fantastic,” I mutter, eyeing Aarón’s parked truck and horse trailer. As I look back over my shoulder in the direction of the house for Daniel, I’m already picturing one of Tadeo’s favorite westerns coming to life before my brother emerges from beside the trailer door.
“Hi,” I say bluntly when he sees me. “Why are you here?”
My eldest brother frowns at his fitting but lackluster greeting, his head bending toward the ground for a moment so that I get another good look at that scar beneath his left eye. “I came to help out,” Aarón says, his voice as low and uncomfortable sounding as his posture looks. “And I hoped we could maybe talk for a bit.”
I plant my hands on my hips. “While I appreciate the gesture, it’s really not a great time, Aarón. I think you should go.”
He glances in the direction of his truck, clearly considering it before he likewise plants his feet. “This will only take a minute,” he tells me. “Please.”
Though I’m surprised he even knows that word, I try not to let my face show it. Not willing to give him the satisfaction of knowing he is catching me off guard a second time.At least this time, there isn’t a crowd.
“Fine, but if you’re here to tell me to go back home, you might as well save your breath.”
“Of course, I’m not,” Aarón retorts, as if it’s truly an insane assumption on my part. “I only wanted to say I’m sorry, okay? That’s why I came. I’m really sorry for what I did.”
And I was shocked when he said please…
“I didn’t mean for you to get hurt. I didn’t mean for all of it to…” He trails off, looking down again as if searching for the correct words. I’m more than willing to help.
“You didn’tmeanfor me to get hurt,“ I repeat. “But you didn’tcareif I did?”
“I cared,” he argues. “I think…I think I just told myself that everyone would blame Daniel. But then you came running in and…and everything got fucked up.”
“Oh, so it’smyfault?” I take a step toward him. “It’s my fault that you decided to pick a fight with Danny in the church parking lot?”
“It’smyfault. And I wish I had a better excuse, but I don’t. I think I was…”
“Jealous?” I suggest, watching his face carefully. “Because everyone was saying Danny was the hero and not you? Couldn’t let that happen?”
Aarón sighs again. “I’m not proud of it. But he waseverywhereall of a sudden, and it was all anyone could talk about. And, I guess,it felt like the more he got, the more I was losing. Even you and Gabe…you both took his side.”
“You made that pretty easy,” I point out, wondering exactly when my big brother had become so small in my eyes. “Acting the way you did.”
“You’re right. I should have talked to you once I realized what was going on with you and Daniel. I mean, you get why I was concerned, right? With the age difference and everything? I wasn’t sure if he was treating you the way you deserved, and I—”
“You really think you are the authority on that?” I ask coolly. “When you’re the one who lorded it over me? Who called me awhore?” He winces. “What right do you think you have to be the judge on who’s treating me well?”
There’s silence for a while, pronounced and seemingly unending. Full of too many things that are now too late to change.
“I’m sorry, Isa,” he says again after what feels like an eternity, apparent regret fixing itself into his features as he seems to debate leaving. “I’m… I should never have said that… I’m sorry.” He looks truly lost. “Fuck, I’m not doing any of this right.”
“Well,” I say. “Itisyour first time apologizing for something.”
“Funny,” he mutters in response, but he also is looking me in the eyes now for what feels like the first time in my life. “What do I need to do? To make it right?”
“I don’t know,” I say truthfully, crossing the distance to sit on the step of his horse trailer because I no longer have it in me to stay standing if we are really going to do this now. When Aarón continues to hover nearby, I nod to the space next to me, waiting for him to drop down and settle before I continue.
“Maybe, you could start by not being an asshole all the time?” I suggest, refusing to be swayed by the absolute hopelessness in his expression. “I don’t know. Why do you even care, Aarón? It’s not like we were super close before.”
“We used to be,” he says after a while. “I used to take you everywhere with me when you were little. Practice and games and…horseback riding. You used to love hanging out with me.”
A few tears slip free without my permission as I do remember a much smaller version of myself, truly feeling ten feet tall up on Aarón’s shoulders as we walked through town. Him laughing as my Dairy Queen ice cream dripped onto him because I was too busy waving at all the people who waved at me. “Yeah, I did.”
We’re both quiet then, maybe both trying to figure out where to go from here right up until I hear footsteps approaching.
