Page 85 of Poetry By Dead Men
The events of that night flash through my mind—the way I had to bang on the door for far too long. Then the lights slowly turning on throughout the bus as Kelsey came from the back to answer.
"What do you mean you weren’t there?" My mouth is so dry I can barely get the words out.
"I was a wreck after our phone call. It was the worst show I’ve ever put on. My heart wasn’t in it. All I could think about was you and if I was making the right decision for us to take a break."
I pick up my wine glass. "For the record, it wasn’t the right decision."
"I know that now," Bobby says, his eyes haunted. "But back then, I really thought I was doing the right thing."
"But why? Why did you need to make that decision at all? Why did you want to break up?" I ask. "And if you weren’t with her, why was Kelseyon your bus?"
"It’s… I’m getting ahead of myself." Bobby rubs the back of his neck. “The phone call and Kelsey? Those are two separate stories." He sets his drink down, and it appears untouched. "I told you how my mom regretted giving up her career for my dad."
"I remember," I nod, not sure what this has to do with Kelsey.
"After Michael died, all I could think about was how he would never get the chance to grow up and live out his dreams. Never. And the very same day he died, I found that acceptance letter for the study abroad program, and Iknewyou weren’t taking it because of me. It felt like a sign. A reminder that life is so short. I knew if we were together, you wouldn’t go. But I also knew you and I would find our way back to one another—that a year wasnothingin the grand scheme of our lives." Bobby closes his eyes, wincing as if reliving the memories is physically painful. "I felt like I was holding you back."
I want to argue with him, tell him that it was none of his business, what I’d decided. That he was the one who’d told me to not let others make my choices for me. But there’s so much regret in his voice, I can't bring myself to make him feel even worse.
"I was young and stupid, but I really thought I was doing the right thing. I thought a year would pass, and we'd be Beth and Bobby again as if it had never happened. I could focus on my tour, and you could go travel Europe and write and read and learn about your favorite poets and authors and before we knew it, we'd be together again.”
"I didn’t take the spot in the program," I say, keeping my tone gentle.
Bobby’s jaw tightens. "I know. All of it was for nothing—the biggest mistake of my life. My biggest regret. And it was fornothing."
"You didn’t know," I say, not quite absolving him, but not quite blaming him, either.
"I asked Johnny to take me out that night. All I wanted was to forget. So I slammed beers until I was blackout drunk, crying to the bartender about what a mistake I'd made."
My heart feels like it’s breaking as I touch his arm, feeling the need to comfort him somehow. He takes my hand, turning it over and tracing the lines of my palm.
Bobby shifts closer to me. "Kelsey came up to me after the show that night. I think she could tell something was wrong. That something had happened between us. You know, she'd always made me a little uncomfortable, but I couldn’t place why. She said she'd had a fight with her band, and asked if she could sleep on my couch. I had no intention of sleeping at all that night unless I was passed out and dead to the world. It didn’t matter where I was. I told her she could have my bus and that I’d stay in a hotel with Johnny and the guys somewhere near the bars.”
My lungs feel like they’re made of stone, and I struggle to get deep enough breaths. Tears prick the back of my eyes, and I have to clench my teeth together to keep from crying. "You mean—" my voice cracks, and I clear my throat, desperate to hold it together. "You mean you really weren't with her that night?”
"No. Of course not, Beth. I wouldneverhave done that to you. And if I’m being honest, I’ve had to work through a lot of anger over it, because you believed I would cheat on you so easily. I thought you knew me better than that.”
I shake my head, dizzy from his confession. “At first, I think I was in shock. That night, I was so hurt, I couldn’t even process it. I cried myself to sleep. But when I woke up, I thought something else had to be going on. I called you that morning, and you didn’t answer.”
“You called me?” Bobby looks as if his world was just flipped upside down. “Marissa said…” He rubs the back of his neck, his eyebrows lowered as if he can’t comprehend what I’m saying. “I had her keep my phone for over a week so I wouldn’t call you and take it all back. She said I was doing the right thing. That I was being selfless. But I made her promise she’d tell me if you called.”
Anger bubbles in my stomach as Marissa’s words run through my mind.I can't help but feel a bit responsible…
“Bobby. I called you fifty times. A hundred. I called you over and over fordays, because after I saw Kelsey, I thought I had to be missing something. I thought if I could just talk to you, you’d clear it all up. But you never answered, and I’d seen Kelsey with my own eyes. I thought you were ignoring me, and after a few days, calling started to hurt toomuch. I blocked you to keep myself from hanging on when you didn’t want me.” My heart feels as if it’s breaking all over again, that familiar pain spreading through my ribcage.
Bobby cups my face with trembling hands. “Beth, no.” His eyes are glistening, his pain so evident, it hurts to look into them. “There has never been a single day of my life that I haven’t wanted you. You wereeverythingto me.” He stops, his Adam's apple bobbing as he swallows.
“I guess Kelsey felt guilty enough after a few weeks to tell me what happened.”He winces. "She told me she was wearing my shirt, and nothing else, and that she made no effort to let you know I wasn't there. I fired her from the tour immediately. We had to scramble for a new opening act, and it killed our single. But I didn’t care. I’d have quit the damn tour if my contract hadn’t been so tight. I knew you were hurt beyond words, and I couldn’t find a way to get in touch with you.”
"I made it pretty hard," I say. The pain had been so overwhelming, I'd done everything I could to avoid him.
“By the time I realized what you thought happened, I didn’t know what to do. I showed up at your house, but your mother turned me away, threatening to call the police for trespassing. She said I’d hurt her daughter, and I would never be welcome in her home again."
My mouth cracks open in surprise. She hadn’t told me that, and it made my heart ache to know she'd thrown aside decorum to protect me. I wasn’t sure she’d even known Bobby and I had broken up.
"I called your phone, but it went straight to voicemail. My texts went unanswered. I was blocked on all social media. I wrote you letters. I waited at your dorm, but they wouldn’t let me in, and then the semester ended, and I didn't know where you were. I went to Molly’s, but she wouldn’t listen to a single word I said. She sprayed me with a hose when I wouldn’t leave her front porch."
Tears are rolling down my face, but I can’t help but laugh at the image. At my friend’s loyalty. It comes out as a weird, blubbery chortle, and it’s just awkward enough to break the tension.
