Page 104 of Poetry By Dead Men
A weak one, but it was there.
I try to stay strong when the doctors tell us they don’t know if Bobby's body can handle another event, but all that does is make it harder to breathe. It feels like I finally woke up after years of living a monotonous half-life just to have it ripped away moments later, like the universe is playing a cruel joke on me for the sins of my past.
Exhaustion pulls at my skin, but it's not enough to convince me to rest. Not when Bobby's life hangs in the balance.
But it’s not just my body that can’t rest. My mind is restless, too. I want to close that chapter of my life with Harrison completely, but I don’t think I can without seeing him at least once.
It’s a strange feeling, having him in the same hospital as me, lying in a bed two floors up, still unconscious, according to Crystal. Even stranger that my heart can’t seem to sort out how it feels.
I have so much anger toward him over what he did to me, for causing the accident and putting Bobby's life in danger. But I also feel a little sad. I desperately wish it wasn’t the case, but part of me still mourns for the person I once thought Harrison was. The man I thought I loved. That I was going to marry.
We spent years together, and most of those years were filled with good memories. It doesn't excuse his violence, but it does make it hard to leave the hospital without saying goodbye.
Which is why I find myself being wheeled to his room before Molly takes me to the Airbnb she rented for us while I recover, with the promise that she’ll stay with me as long as I need.
Seeing Harrison is no less shocking than it was seeing Bobby, but in a different way. There’s only a ventilator connected to a tube down his throat, his IV, and a few small bandages on his face and arm. A larger one wraps around his head.
Molly wheels me next to the head of his bed with ease, the area completely empty compared to the ECMO and dozens of tubes and wires that make getting close to Bobby so difficult.
Harrison’s parents aren’t here when I arrive, and I’m grateful. I don’t need to see them or argue over whose fault this is. I don’t need to discuss what happened.
I’m here to say goodbye to Harrison.
And I’m here to say goodbye to that chapter of my life.
Regardless of what he did to me, I really did love him once. Before he wore me down. Before work became everything to him.
Even if loving him had been misguided.
Even if our love had just been some sort of life raft to save me from drowning after Bobby and I broke up.
Even if loving him had nearly killed me, it didn’t change the fact that Ihadloved him.
And it doesn’t change the fact that I hope he doesn’t die.
I lock my wheelchair in place, but I can’t bring myself to grab Harrison’s hand.
"If you’re in there or if you know what’s going on, um… It's Beth," I say. It’s awkward talking to him, but I have words that need to be released from my body, so I continue. "Honestly, I’m not sureyoueven know what you did. I don’t understand it. I'm sorry I wasn't honest with you," I say, needing to get the apology off my chest for my own healing.
Nothing could absolve him of what he did to me, but I don't want to be the kind of person who hides the truth from the people they love, either.
I pause, my chin trembling as I fight back tears. "I needed to say that this is goodbye for me. And that no matter what happens, I hope you can find peace. And. Well… That I forgive you."
I’m not sure if what I’m saying is true—if forgiving him is even possible, or if he could ever deserve it—but I also know that a healthy, happy man doesn’t beat his fiancée or try to run her off the road. Maybe Harrison was fighting demons I never knew about.
Once again, it's not an excuse.
Just reality.
I may never forgive him for his violence, for not being able to control his anger. But for my own closure, I need him to hear that I do, in case someday, it somehow becomes the truth.
I'm done with leaving things unsaid.
"Goodbye, Harrison." My voice cracks. "Maybe you'll get another chance. I hope you do," I say, looking at him one last time before wheeling myself out of his room and closing that chapter of my life forever.
NOW
September 2024: Charleston, SC
