Page 103 of Poetry By Dead Men
His face is pale and covered in bruises. He looks so big lying in the bed, but so helpless. It's alarming how much he doesn't look like himself, and I try to ignore the tubes and tape and wires. The way his sheet is pulled up to cover his chest.
When I'm as close to the bed as possible, Crystal locks the brakes on my wheelchair. "I'll step out and give you some privacy. But I mean what I said. You have ten minutes, and then I have to bring you back to your room."
I nod, my eyes prickling with tears. I never want to leave. "I understand. Thank you, Crystal," I say, reaching forward and grabbing Bobby's hand. His fingers are cold, startlingly so, and I squeeze tighter, hoping some of my warmth will seep into his skin.
"I'm here," I say as Crystal slides the door closed. The click of the ventilator and beeping of the monitors become background noise as I rub circles on the back of his hand with my thumb. "Listen to me. You need to hold on. You need to fight. Because you promised we would have our time, and we haven't yet. I want forever with you, Bobby Beckett."
I choke on a sob, forcing it down as I lay my forehead on his hand. I wish I didn't have this cage on my leg so I could climb next to him and curl into his side. I'd stay there until his new heart was beating in his chest and he opened his eyes, searching for me.
"He wants that with you, too," someone says from the doorway, and I sniffle, trying to hide my tears as I wipe my eyes with the back of myhand. I turn around as a woman from my past walks to the other side of Bobby's bed, grabbing his other hand.
Bobby’s mom doesn’t look like she’s aged a day, and just like the first time I saw her, I’m taken aback by her striking resemblance to Bobby. They have the same blue eyes, clear and bright and deep. Their hair is a similar shade of brown, and when she gives me a sad smile, the sight of the dimple in her right cheek takes my breath away.
"I'm glad you’re back, Beth." Her eyes are warm, but nerves still flutter in my stomach. Surely, she knows the truth about our past.
Does she hate me for my part in it all?
"Me too." I look back at Bobby, squeezing his hand. I only have a few minutes left.
The door slides open, and an unfamiliar nurse walks in, her eyes narrowing in suspicion as she looks me up and down. “I’m sorry, it’s immediate family, only.”
Kimberly straightens. “Absolutely not. She stays as long as she wants to,” she says, walking around the bed.
“Ma’am, I’m sorry, but it’s hospital policy. Immediate family only in the ICU.”
Kimberly's eyes are tired as she reaches down and pushes the hair from Bobby’s eyes. "It isn’t blood that makes someone family. If my son is clinging to life, if he’s going to make it through this horrible, painful ordeal, it’s only so he can make his way back toher." She lifts her chin, daring the nurse to argue.
The nurse's nostrils flare as she takes a deep breath, but she nods, leaving without another word.
I can’t see Kimberly through the tears in my eyes. “Thank you,” I whisper, my voice breaking.
She looks back at Bobby. "He’d kill me if I let them kick you out. You should be here just as much as I should. You're the love of his life." She smiles softly, her dimple softening the pain clinging to the lines of her face.
What I wouldn't do to see that dimple appearin Bobby's cheek.
My throat feels tight and scratchy, choked with tears and things I wish I could say, and I cough, trying to clear it. "He's mine, too. We just lost each other for a while."
She sighs, her dimple disappearing. Kimberly finally pulls her gaze away from Bobby and meets my eyes. "I know Bobby thinks I regret giving up my career for his father. But I don't. I should’ve done a better job reminding him that I would’ve given up anything for my husband.Anything."
There's a fervor to her voice that causes chill bumps to break out on my arms. "It was a choice I made freely and happily. Choosing him was the best decision of my life. Because it gave meyearsof true love and happiness, and it brought me Bobby." She looks back to her son, placing a hand on his cheek. "But that’s hindsight, right? We all just do the best we can, and one day we look back and realize the choices we made changed the entire trajectory of our lives. For better or worse."
"Maybe it was supposed to happen the way it did. Maybe Bobby would’ve never achieved what he has if he’d been tied down to me. I'd like to say I believe in fate. But this?" I squeeze Bobby's hand. "Thiswasn’t supposed to happen. We’re supposed to have more time."
The sad smile Kimberly gives me tells me she knows exactly what I’m feeling. She lost her husband, the love ofherlife.
"The doctors have assured me they’re doing all they can to find him a heart. He has a common blood type. That should help, and—"
It happens in less than an instant. Bobby’s monitors start beeping wildly, the line for his heart rate going flat. Several nurses I don't know rush in, followed by Crystal. They lower the head of his bed all the way, and he disappears behind a wall of people.
Crystal wheels me toward the door as another nurse urges Kimberly behind me. "Bobby!" I scream, twisting in my chair to try to see him. "Please take me back," I beg. Even knowing there's nothing I can do, I need to be with him. I don’t want him to be afraid. Alone.
Crystal doesn't even flinch. "We have to let them do their job. And to do that, they need us out of the way." She parks me at the end of the hallway, urging me to take deep breaths, but I barely hear her.
Bobby’s heart may be the one that stopped beating, but I feel like mine is giving out as pain erupts behind my sternum. "He can’t die," I beg. "Please," I pray. To God. To the universe. To whoever will listen. "Please don’t let him die."
I was discharged this morning, but I haven’t left the hospital. I can’t when Bobby’s heart actually stopped just one day ago.
Two and a half minutes. That’s how long Bobby's heart stopped beating before they were able to get it working again. Two and a half minutes that felt like two and a half hours, holding my breath and praying until Crystal told me they had a heart rhythm.
