Page 64 of Curious
“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but I’ll listen if you do.” Cam wraps his arms around me. And oh, he feels so good.
I mutter, “I just got sad, that’s all. Because I can’t keep you.”
Camden stiffens behind me, and his biceps flex. Then he sighs and tugs me closer. “What do you mean? Are you talking about our deal?”
“Yeah. You’re almost healed up, and there’s no reason you can’t get your own insurance. And we’re supposed to get a divorce.” All of the emotions I’ve held in for so long come crashing out of me, and I start sobbing. Racking, messy, ugly-cry tears with snot, the kind of crying no one wants to see. “I’m just so tired of not getting what I want.”
Cam kisses the top of my head. For a while, he lets me sob into his lap and doesn’t say anything. Eventually, when I’m all cried out and no longer hiccuping, he asks, “What is it you want?”
“You.”
He nuzzles my neck. “You have me. And I’m not letting you go, just so you know.”
Oh, how I wish I could believe him. Oh, how I wish this were the way things turned out for me. “It’s too good to be true.”
“Why do you say that?”
I shrug. Which is hard to do when he’s holding me so close.
“Not an answer,” he warns.
“Cam, you’re … you’ve been straight. I derailed your plans. Haven’t you always wanted a traditional relationship? I mean, you were going to get married to Leah. It seems pretty clear you wanted a wife, maybe kids, a nice house?”
“Have you seen my house?”
“Yeah, it’s getting super cool.”
Behind me, he shakes his head. “That’s not what I mean. I mean, I don’t need any of that.” Cam stands up and hoists me up by my ass. I wrap my arms and legs around him like a koala and tuck my head against his neck.
“But what if you do?”
“I promise,” he whispers, holding me close. “I honestly don’t need any of those things you think I need. Don’t make up a story in your head that isn’t reality.”
I can’t help it, though, because I’m thinking about my mom. If she could throw me out like last week’s leftovers, why wouldn’t anyone else? I snuffle into his neck.
He walks us out—his ankle really is healed, isn’t it—past the pool and back to the living room in the main house, where he sits down on the couch, taking me with him. I straddle his lap, and his hands slide up and down my back in a soothing embrace.
This guy. I still feel like crap, but also like there’s something waiting for me, maybe. Like Icanhave some of the things I want.
Or maybe just the one most important thing.
I rub my nose with my sleeve. “I’m sorry I lost my shit. I get emotional sometimes.”
“I think emotional support is what husbands do—or should do, anyway,” he says. Then he smiles. “But you’re also my boyfriend and my friend. I want to be closer to you. I wish you felt like you could confide in me. I want to be a safe place for you. I want to help you break free from the patterns of your past.” He eyes me. “It’s not just your mom, is it?”
I shake my head. “I don’t want to give you my entire dating history unless you want to hear it, but the guys I was with were usually in one of two categories: quick hookups or ones I wanted more with. Quick hookups are no big deal. But the ones I wanted more with ended up not wanting more with me. And worse, repeatedly, I was finding guys who were either in the closet or who decided after experimenting with me that they weren’t actually queer.” I eye Cam. “You see how we are in the office. I’m in an environment that’s safe and out and proud. I’m never going to hide who I am. And when I was with someone who made me feel like we were doing something shameful or like they couldn’t be with me in public, that hurt deep, because it made me question whether all that I’ve fought through was a lie. Like maybe my mom was right and I shouldn’t have been born.” He opens his mouth to protest, and I shush him. “Yeah, I know intellectually that it’s BS, but deep down, I can’t help but wonder.”
“They all did a number on you.”
“Yes. So, I thought I was finally getting away from all of that with Evan because he was out.” I make a face. “But you know how that ended.”
“I wish I could say something to make it all better,” Cam whispers. “But I don’t know what I can do other than be here for you now.”
He presses a kiss to my lips, and that gesture moves my heart even more. He’s so kind, so beautiful, and he’s protective of me.
This was supposed to be fake. He was supposed to be straight. I wasn’t supposed to get involved.
I am very much involved.
