Page 99 of Studious
After work, I do something I haven’t done since high school. I go to the batting cages and start hitting balls, because I need to work off some energy and figure out how to tell or show Alden how I feel. My usual mode of stress relief—fucking some random guy—isn’t an option.
Besides, Alden reminds me of things I used to want. Like a relationship. And like being a baseball player. I got on another track, but I can still chase a few of my old dreams. So: batting practice it is.
Swing.
Hit.
Repeat.
My thoughts are all over the place. Can I be brave enough to show Alden how I feel? My muscles burn. I’m overdoing it. I can see why this is Alden’s favorite sport. It requires precision and lends itself to analysis and statistics—except there’s still a lot of fun with bats and balls. Maybe I’ll join a softball team. I bet we both could.
My phone rings, and I shut the machine off to check it.
It’s my mom. “Mijo, ¿cómo estás? When are you going to bring Alden to dinner again?”
I swallow hard. “I don’t know.”
“What? Why not? He’s wonderful!”
“We kind of broke up.”
“Oh, Danny. Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not really. That’s why I’m at the batting cages.”
It’s quiet on the line. Then, “You haven’t gone there in years. Not since before Brian.”
I sigh. “I know. I needed to work out some things.”
Another pause. “Do you think you may be scared to love because of what happened with your father?”
I don’t answer.
“Because I think you believe some bullshit—”
“Mom! You said a bad word.”
“Bullshit, mijo. I had your father for years. Not as many as I’d hoped to, but the time we had together was sweet, and I have my memories of him. My life is better because he was in it, no matter what. What’s happened since then, that’s my choice. By the time I was done grieving, I decided I liked being single. But if I found someone who made me feel the way your dad made me feel—someone who lights me up the way Alden does for you—I’d reconsider.”
“How come you never told me any of this?” I ask, rubbing my chest.
“Because matters of the heart are delicate. And you need to learn them for yourself, not have your mom tell you what to do.”
I grin despite myself. “What would my mom tell me to do?”
“I’d tell you to hold on to Alden and not let him go.”
When I get home, I’m as antsy as I was before I went to the cages, only now my arms feel like overcooked pasta and my back is threatening a revolt. I shower, and while I’m in there, I realize how I can tell Alden how I feel.
I step out of the shower and don’t bother getting dressed. I just wrap a towel around my waist and turn on the camera.
My words pour out in a stream, without conscious thought. “I know not very many people will see this video, because I have barely any followers. I started this channel with the intent to go viral to win a bet with a friend. But that hasn’t really gone anywhere. I have something to say, though.
“I started out wanting to teach a coworker—John Doe—who asked me how to be a playboy. How to be good with the guys. Because he was less experienced than me.
“What he’s taught me, though, is that I don’t want to be a player anymore.” I sigh. “I want him. I’m completely and totally in love with him.” I pause a moment to collect myself, my emotions getting to me. “Yeah. I’m in love with him. The other night, I told him we needed to take a break because he should experience being with other people, not just me. And I still think that’s probably true. I hate the idea of him tying himself to me too soon and eventually regretting it. But… I hate the idea of being apart from him, too. I’ve spent years avoiding getting involved, because I was afraid of getting hurt—and right now I’m terrified that one day, he’ll realize he can do better than me, and I’ll lose him. But despite all that, Alden, I love you. I want to be with you. And if you see this and you want to be with me, I’m yours. For as long as you’ll have me. Let’s write a new contract.”
A tear runs down my face, and I wipe it away.
