Page 95 of Studious
A little voice inside me says I’m already experiencing heartache and pain. I grew up without a dad, but I’m not sure my mom would have chosen differently if she’d known what was going to happen. I might not have let myself care so much about Brian if I’d known how things would end between us, but he wasn’t the right one for me. It was me projecting what I was feeling onto him.
But am I projecting that onto Alden now?
Alden cured me and hurt me at the same time. He hurt me by making me believe in love again. That’s a very dangerous thing.
I get out of bed and start pacing. Mamacita, confused, follows me around the house. I take in all that I’ve been able to achieve: Nice clothes. A killer house. A fabulous car. Fame in the courtroom and a great job.
And I’m fucking lonely as hell.
I throw myself on the couch and turn on the television, but I have no idea what’s playing.
The next day, I wake up with a crick in my neck and hurt in my heart. Because what kind of fool throws away the best thing that ever happened to him?
This fool right here.
What I want, plain and simple, is Alden. I want a real, committed relationship with him. I want to wake up every morning next to him and go to sleep with him at night. I want to make breakfast with him and go to baseball games and do everything with him.
And I’m petrified to try. Because what if he leaves—by choice or otherwise?
I sigh and rub my eyes.
My house has gotten pretty messy while I’ve been focused on the trial, so I slump around picking up socks and sweats and underwear. I start laundry and gather my dishes and put them in the kitchen. I put my trash in the can and take it out. I do the dishes. As the suds rise up my arms and dampen my shirt, I think I’m doing some sort of benediction. A cleansing. This is what I want to be.
All clean. Too bad my love life’s a mess.
My phone sounds, and my heart leaps, hoping that it’s Alden. But it’s Charlie.
“So, have you officially given up? I see you only have three thousand followers.”
I groan and rub my hand over my face. “Fuck off. I guess I let my ego and my mouth run away with that one. Going viral is harder than I thought if you’re not drinking cranberry juice on a skateboard and singing along to Fleetwood Mac.”
“Get ready to be embarrassed,” he says, crowing.
“Okay,” I say listlessly.
“Hey.” His tone changes to one of concern. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“It doesn’t sound like nothing.” When I don’t reply, he continues, “Does this have anything to do with a certain bookkeeper who has big eyes just for you?”
“Yeah.”
I tell him what happened—how I let Alden go so he could experience the world.
“Dude, you’re such a loser,” Charlie says. “You know, you deserve to be happy and have nice things.”
“I have nice things.”
“Nice relationships. I’ve always thought that you were a little desperate.”
“Fuck you. I’m not desperate.”
“Um, yes, you were. You were going from man to man like they were going extinct. Nothing wrong with that when it’s coming from a place of having fun. But I think, deep down, you want something more. And maybe you’re afraid to try for it.”Yeah, no shit, I think. Charlie sighs. “Just think about it. And then do what you need to do.”
CHAPTER27
Alden
