Page 94 of Studious
I hold up my hands. “I really like you, Alden. As more than just my student. But you haven’t been with anyone other than me. The whole plan was, I’d teach you how to pick up guys, and then you were going to take your newfound skills and knowledge and go practice them on someone else.”
“But I don’t want him,” Alden says.
“Maybe he’s not the right guy for you, but that doesn’t mean the next guy you meet won’t be. Or the one after that. You should go and meet other people so you can decide what’s right for you.”
His eyes flash. “Danny, you’re being an ass. I’m not a child. I’ve been around plenty of people. Just because I was awkward as fuck—and still am, sometimes—it doesn’t mean I haven’t observed what I want and what I don’t want. What I want is you,” Alden says simply.
I want to believe him. Even though I started this thinking that when we were done with his lessons, I’d move on and go back to my old ways, I don’t want to move on. I’m not done with Alden. I don’t think I’d ever be done with him. But I swallow hard and say, “Our contract is done. You passed the class. You can’t go through your life having been intimate only with me.”
Even though I want you to.
“Danny, I don’t understand. Do youwantme to go?”
“No, that’s not what I want.”
“But you’re not even going to give us a chance?” he asks.
I throw up my hands. “I’mgivingyou what you need.”
He wants me now, but it won’t last. Because people don’t stay. And I’m not even talking about Brian anymore. My dad abandoned my mom—not his fault, but she never got over it. If I fell, really fell for someone, and they left, I’m scared I’d end up like her: alone for the rest of my life.
Which I guess I am already—or was, before I met Alden. But that’s too big a concept for me to worry about processing right now.
“Actually, you aren’t giving me what I need.” Alden puts his hands on his hips. “Because—like I said—what I want is you.”
Fuck, he’s so tempting. I have to say no. “I think we both need to take a step back and decide what we really want. Without the student-teacher dynamic.”
You. I want you. But I want you to be sure.
“I already know what I want,” he says. “But if you need space, fine. I can give it to you.”
He spins on his heel and practically runs away.
I start to go after him, but it’s better for him if I don’t.
So I turn and keep going to my car.
* * *
When I get home, Mamacita trots up to me, and I pick her up, petting her soft fur. My hand shakes, because I think I just broke up with Alden, even though we weren’t actually together.
I pull out my phone and stare at my lock screen, which is a selfie of us. I should change that if I’m going out cruising, but the photo makes me happy. It sends the wrong message, though, I suppose.
I can’t bring myself to change it. We look so content and comfortable together. Like we were a normal couple, having a good time. But I can’t think like that. I can’t trust that things won’t change.
After I feed Mamacita, I take off my clothes and climb into bed. It feels lonely and empty without Alden. I got used to having a warm body sleeping next to me after years of never doing that.
I don’t want just a warm body, though. I want to cuddle with Alden.
And I’m upset with myself for that. I should be grateful for the life I’ve built rather than try to have something that will never work out.
Mamacita curls up on what I’ve started thinking of as Alden’s pillow.
Fuck, it’s going to be awkward in the office next week. I always knew I shouldn’t pick a flower where I work. I roll around on my sheets, utterly miserable.
I knew dating someone more than once was a bad idea. I never articulated it, but I knew emotions were going to happen.
Getting too close to someone can only lead to heartache and pain.
