Page 101 of Sombra
Twenty
Kim - Surprise
Apparently the world keeps moving. Day and night meld. The time and day on my phone change. Because I’m so numb, there’s no difference between a second and a week.
I’m having a baby.
Tavo told everyone I’m sick, so they keep bringingme soup, broth,agua con gas, weak tea, and crackers. Even María Luisa has felt my head with the back of her hand and shown concern, closing the door behind her quietly.
I barely eat anything and spend the days in bed with my thoughts, shutting out the outside world. Except for the cork oak tree outside my window.
Almost immediately, Tavo stopped any pretense that we aren’t together.He’s practically moved into my room, spending hours lying next to me, brushing my hair with his fingers, singing quietly to me. Sitting at the end of the bed drawing me pictures. We haven’t talked that much. We can’t. But having him here makes me feel secure.
Right now with his solid arms wrapped around me as he spoons me on the bed, I wonder how I lived before him, because I’ve changedso much.
His palms touch my belly with reverence. He’s kissed it so many times, and I can’t help but cuddle my belly.
My baby. Ours.
Am I carrying a little Tavo?
I open my mouth to say something to him, but my words are all crusty and creaky, and I’m still burrowing in my thoughts. Because this pregnancy has brought many things into sharp focus. Like, how did I getto this point?
Before, in Iowa, I went to the school my parents chose and studied the major they selected for me, since I didn’t express a preference. My biggest rebellion was getting a Frappucino and taking a picture of it in front of my weight-obsessed mother. I had a boyfriend who spent time with me and organized my life—but was a friend, not a lover.
But was I happy?
No. I was unconscious. I lived in a cage—an invisible one. Those boundaries on my life delineated places I didn’t go, things I didn’t see, and activities I didn’t do. Me, dye my hair? Never.
The problem was, I didn’t know I lived in a cage because it was so normal. As the Spanish say,regular. I didn’t strain against my restraints because I didn’t know they existed.
To my credit,I must have known something was up, otherwise I would never have bought a bullet vibe. Or come to Andalucía.
In Spain, though, I feel alive, almost too much.
Tavo not only showed me I lived in a cage, he opened the door and melted down the iron bars behind me so I couldn’t retreat back inside it if I got scared.
I snuggle into him, and he kisses my ear.
Could I evengo back to Iowa? To the way I was living before I came here?
No. I couldn’t pretend that Spain never happened. Now I’ve become free, anything less is unbearable.
But I’m still not ready to be a mom.
His sweet lips press against my neck. I think back on all his patience with me. How he taught me how to saytacosand how to eat European-style. He never made fun of my Midwestaccent or difficulty with Spanish or any of the things that were new to me. He’s unconditionally accepting and embracing of me, both physically and emotionally.
Unlike everyone else in my life, he never demands that I be anything other than who I am. Well, except for role-playing in his bedroom, but that’s a fantasy for both of us.
He’s my lover. In all senses of the word.
I’ve never experienced anything like this. His unconditional love. As his fingers tiptoe down my arm, I know he cherishes every part of me, inside and out.
It’s frightening. Because am I worth it? Is love worth it? I’m so outside my comfort zone, I’m not simply poking a timid toe over the line. I threw my whole body into a new country, unknown and foreign.
I rub my tummy, and he putshis hands over mine, rubbing it, too. I’ve never been somyself. I’ve never been so at peace. Never happier. Never freer.
This is a big step, but am I ready?
