Page 68 of The Ground Beneath Our Feet
OMG I SLEPT WITH MY ROOMMATE, I texted Monica early the next morning.
But she was asleep.
Going to bed with Mikey was the worst idea I’d ever had, because now there was nowhere to hide. I lived with him. He knew how much I weighed. He knew all about me.
I ran to my room. I was panicking, yes, but I couldn’t help it. I needed food. I needed Twinkies. I needed marshmallows. I needed gallons of soda.
No you don’t, said a little voice in my head. You’re diabetic. You don’t need any sugar.
Fuck you, I said to the voice. And I filed that thought away in a folder marked, “Fuck you.”
My folders were getting messy. And sweary.
Every time I ever let anyone into my life, they hurt me.
Every. Single. Time.
Mikey was no different. I was just one stop on his journey. He’d go beyond me in no time.
With a quiet tear, I opened the bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. Family Size. Seventeen ounces. I knew how to silently eat food. I knew how to suck on food so you’re not really eating it, and no one knew how much you were really eating.
This house was so loud that he could hear the crinkle of the wrapper. He could hear the crunching of the chips. Part of me didn’t care. Part of me wanted to be discovered.
I wanted help. I wanted him to help me.
But no.
I didn’t want him. I’d just slept with him, and I’d let him in too close. It wasn’t going to work. I wanted someone else to help me, to keep me from all of these bad feelings.
I couldn’t do this anymore.
I shoved a chip in my mouth.
I tasted that one. It smelled like milk powder and spices and the flavoring they put on it to coat every pore of the corn with flavor.
My Dorito was perfect. There were no mistakes. It was like a triangle-shaped diamond, flawless, hard, and perfect. The object of my desire.
I didn’t care about anything else except getting the horrible feelings out.
I reached for another chip, put it in my mouth, and sucked on it. I wanted to crunch them. I wanted to wolf them down.
But then he’d know.
There was a knock on my door.
Oh no.
I quickly shoved the bag in the dresser and shut it.
He’d smell the chips on my breath. He’d know I cheated. At least I cheated on me before he did something bad to me. If I hurt myself before he did, then it wouldn’t hurt so badly when he hurt me.
I could pretend I was asleep. I crawled back into bed and curled up, hoping that I wouldn’t smell like Cool Ranch Doritos. Hoping that he would just go away.
“Jessica?”
I didn’t answer.
He stood at the door. I thought that he would go away. I thought he would leave me alone. It was safer to be left alone. When someone opened the door, bad things happened.
