Page 53 of The Ground Beneath Our Feet
But I looked at her kind face and sincere eyes and started talking. “Most days, I want to slice off parts of my body. You know, if I could cut the fat on my belly and trim my arms and make it so my thighs don’t bulge out, I’d be better looking.”
“So you believe you’d be better looking if you cut your body down?”
I nodded.
“That would hurt.”
I nodded.
“You’d bleed. You might die. So you think that the only way your body would look attractive is to get rid of it?”
I nodded.
“Okay, honey. No. That’s not true. I’m going to show you. Your body is beautiful just as it is.” I wished I could believe that. “Before you come next time, I want you to think about something. I want you to think about what would happen if you just accepted your body the way it was right now. You didn’t wish it were different. You just lived in it.”
Her words came at me slowly, but it was too much at once. There was no way in hell that I could accept my body as it was. I needed to lose the weight before I’d like my body. Once I’d lost a hundred pounds and looked like her, as skinny as a Hollywood star? Then we could talk about liking my body.
But right now all I wanted to do was trade it in for a different one.
“So I want to tell you what I see when I look at you, Jessica, because I think it’s different than what you see when you look in the mirror.”
I sipped my water.
“I see a classic beauty. High cheekbones and a narrow nose. Gorgeous skin, lovely color, warm and sensuous. Dark, sexy eyes, so intelligent. And that’s just your face. You have the sexiest curves, hon. Your shape? Classic hourglass.”
“It’s bigger than everyone else’s,” I muttered.
“You can’t compare bodies. We all are bigger than someone and smaller than someone. You can’t look around and wish you had another body. It doesn’t work like that. You can’t switch. You have to use the one you got.”
No.
Mikey wanted me to accept my earthsuit.
But I couldn’t do this yet.
After I went to the gym, after I lost the weight, after I cleaned up my diet. Then I’d come back.
Forget about the deposit I’d paid her. Forget about the time and money. I wasn’t doing this.
I stared at her. “Thank you so much, Summer,” I stuttered out, “but I’m not sure I can do this. I’ll have to go home and think about it some more.”
And then I fled.
I cried all the way home, my mind a morass of thoughts and emotions. I wanted to feel good but I didn’t. I wanted to be sexy, but I really, really wasn’t.
I fought the urge to go through the Taco Bell drive-thru. I fought the urge to stop at 7-Eleven. I just needed to go home. I tore into the house, and unfortunately, Mikey was home. I’d wanted to be alone.
“What are you doing here?” I demanded, as he looked up from the couch.
His eyes flashed from amused to pissed. “I live here. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” I kept walking past him.
“Doesn’t look like nothing. Don’t hide from me.”
“It’s nothing,” I muttered, and I ran up the stairs.
He followed, slower than usual because of his accident. “Jessica. What is it?”
