Page 96 of Trouble in Love
“Why?” he whispered, his voice broken, almost childlike.
“Let me go for a second, and I’ll show you.”
He shook his head, clung even tighter. “I don’t want to let you go.”
“You have to, Luca. Please.” He shuddered, but slowly did as I asked, his freshly calloused hands slipping over my form leaving goosebumps in their wake as I stood. “Have you ever wondered why you have seen and touched and kissed every part of my body but never my stomach?”
“Yes.” He swallowed, “But I knew there must be a reason, so I never … I knew you would tell me when you were ready.”
Words of understanding died on his lips as I lifted my shirt above my belly button, then lowered my skirt, exposing the puckered scars lining my abdomen. “I was a really horrible person for a really long time, and this was my punishment. I was in an accident, and it was bad, and they took all of it away. Almost every part that made me a woman was cut from my body. That’s why I have to leave. I can never give you what you want.”
“Polly … no. I don’t—”
“I saw you on the ice with that little boy, Luca. I saw you with Brittiany, Emily, and the babies back home, and I saw how devastated you were when you found out Clara was pregnant.”
“I don’t care about Clara. I don’t care about babies. It doesn’t—”
“Don’t sit there and tell me it doesn’t matter because it does.”
“Of course it does,” he cried, jumping to his feet. “Of course it matters. That’s not what I meant. It’s beyond cruel that you were hurt and had so much taken away, and yes, I do or didwantto have a family, but I don’t want a baby more than I want you.”
With both hands, I pushed against his chest and stepped back. “You say that now, but what about a few years from nowwhen the novelty wears off, and you’re left to rattle around in this big family house with no family to fill it?”
I could see the panic in his eyes as he shuffled closer. “We could adopt? Or there’s surrogacy?”
“What if I don’t want that? What If I’ve come to peace withthatnot being part of my life? No man wants a selfish woman like that.”
“Polly, I don’t know what fucked up, twisted shit your mom has put in your head, but not being able to have children does not mean you’re not a woman. Not wanting them is not selfish, and not wanting a woman who can’t have children certainly wouldn’t make me a man.”
“But—”
“But nothing.” He said, stepping into my space and cupping my cheeks in his hands. “You listen to me now. You are the only woman I could ever want. I don’t need anyone else. Yes, Iwantedto have kids with you, but Ineed tohave you.”
“Luca, you don’t mean that.” I whispered, shaking my head. “I’m not worth that.”
“But you are, Polly. You are worth that and so much more. I know you consider this your penance, but you are not a bad person. You’re a worthy and beautiful person who’s had horrible shit they’ve had to deal with. The secrets and anger and pain that you hid, that you carried alone for all those years, that you say festered and poisoned every part of you,is not you.”
“It is.”
“No! It’s not. You are Polly Hart, and you’re amazing and incredible and smart and so fucking beautiful it takes my breath away. You are not your past. You are not your mistakes. You are the most extraordinary person I have ever known. You are everything I want and everything I need.”
Fresh linen, soap, and his own naturally sweet smell swept me off my feet as he claimed my mouth in a kiss that was gentleand bruising and charged with everything I loved about him. I grabbed his tie and held him to me, never wanting our lips to part.
“Just you is more than enough. I choose you, Polly. Just you. Please. Will you please, please, just stay and talk. You can cry and then cry some more, but please, please don’t go.”
Given the numbing effect Luca’s declarations had over my heart, sitting on the beach while staring at a moody night sky with the frigid Atlantic Ocean lapping at our feet, was not as uncomfortable as it should have been.
“She was at the airport when I landed.”
“I bet she was,” I snorted. “But I bet you twenty bucks your conversation with her was remarkably different from mine.”
“You might be surprised.”
“Alright then, you go first. What did she say to you apart from, ‘I made a terrible mistake, please take me and my skanky ass back’?”
Luca grimaced. “That was part of it, but there’s more.” His face morphed into a scowl and then a pout and not the kind I often used to get my own way. It was the genuine, I’m hurting, I may explode into tears kind.
And I knew.
