Page 167 of Beast and Remedy
I want him more than life itself, and yet I can’t have him for more reasons now than before. Even if Icouldhave him, Papa would never look at me the same for taking sides with a man he believes killed Mama.
And without any evidence or proof Beau wasn’t behind her death… I don’t even know. But if my father truly knew how I feel about Beau, maybe he would not be so stubborn and would listen to logic and reason—
I shake my head, hating anguish stirring in my heart. “Can we please drop it and get back to trying to focus on my transition?”
But when I lift my chin, Beau’s mouth crashes against mine and steals every fearful, anxious, meddling thought.
He holds my cheek and deepens the kiss.
I arch into him, moaning as heat explodes across my skin, the scorching sensation seeping down my throat, chest, and between my legs.
And when he squeezes my ass… Sweet Makers.
Gripping his shirt, I keep him near as he lifts my leg to his hip, grinding into me. Fuck, I remember him mentioning taking me against a tree.
I clench my muscles with anticipation at the thought, my mind, heart, and body at war.
I should be mad he thinks kissing me will make everything go away.
But it doesn’t. And it never will.
No matter how much I want him. Need him.Lovehim.
The thought settles, and I withdraw, trying to speak.
Beau places a finger over my lips, wearing a delicious smirk I want to kiss senselessly off his face. But it smooths away, hardening his expression and tone of voice.
“You don’t get to push me away, Vi.”
“Beau,” I murmur.
“I know the circumstances are extremely unfortunate, but I can’t help but take them as a blessing.” He cups my cheek, his eyes filled with so much devastating hope. “I see it as a blessing to be given the chance to be with you, to help you and your kingdom, and to show your father—”
“You can help us all you want, but until Papa has proof,realproof you weren’t behind Mama’s death, he won’t look at you the same. I’ve tried foryearsto get him to hear me out. I’ve tried to find answers. But he won’t listen toanyone.”
Solemnness stretches across Beau’s features, and it shatters my heart even more.
My vision blurs, and I blink away the tears, failing miserably.
Stupid fucking tears.
“I know you didn’t kill my mother. I know it with every piece of my heart and soul.” I touch his chest. “And still, to this day, even here with you now, my mind tries to find the answers. Deities, my hopeful heart can’t stop thinking of Sybille’s warning as a sign or a clue of some sort meant to grant me the chance to fix everything. With the cure. With my shifts. With the past…”
I hold his face, and he leans into my palm and kisses it. “But my feelings and thoughts are not proof. And I shouldn’t have voiced it aloud or even considered the words as a possibility. I shouldn’t hope the Makers will bless me with solutions. Closure. Happiness. Growth. Not when I’ve severely fucked up with this virus. I shouldn’t be looking, shouldn’t even be searching for those answers right now when Marian’s life—everyone’s lives are at risk.”
More tears soak my cheeks as my words hang in the silence, and I hate saying it in the first place. I drop my head, broken and defeated. As much as I wanted to keep this inside, it still found a way to claw itself out.
My lip wobbles as people flash by in my mind. “I-I-I can’t stop seeing my guards’ ruined bodies. Marian almost dying in my arms. Annie showing up bitten.” I pull away, wanting to sink into the ground and have the soil bury me. “I-I-I let them down. Their blood is on my hands. And I can’t get rid of it. I can’t fix everything.”
“Rosebud.”
The pain etched in his voice and the double squeeze he gives me breaks me.
I cover my face, my knees buckling, and my own weight drags me down.
Beau pulls me from the tree, preventing me from plummeting deep into my own Oblivion. He hugs me tight, comforting me despite the fracturing of our hearts.
My chest rattles, my body trembling through my choked gasps. “I-I-I’m sorry, B,” I rasp. “I’m sorry I looped you into my problems. I’m so sorry I haven’t found all the answers. I’m sorry for everything. You don’t deserve any of this.”
