Page 154 of Frost and Death
I don’t deserve any of this.
The guilt of my deception joins in with the rest of the memories eating at me when his cologne floods my senses. My magic is spent from the breakthrough, my body is spent from the lies I’ve told and the memories that won’t shut off.
He pulls me from the wall, arms wrapping me tightly, trying to anchor me to the present. Even the kindness of his touch forces my cries to turn into hyperventilating.
“I’m here, Frostbite. Let me help you,” he whispers delicately, cradling my head.
I weep, tremors rocking through me and refusing to abate. “Y-Y-You can’t h-h-help me.”
He tugs on my braid, forcing my neck back. The concern in his expression breaks my heart even more.
To think, if I didn’t control myself, I would have lost him.
“Please, let me?”
His voice cracks from the smallest of movements of his mouth, carrying the softest of pleas I’ve ever heard.
My tears fall as I reach to hold his face for the first time, my heart swelling when he doesn’t react, grateful he is someone who doesn’t flinch or cower away from the monster I am.
I pull his forehead to mine, sobbing through each strenuous syllable. “I-I almost lostyouhow I lost her.”
“Lost who?” Jerrick asks between my shaky inhaled breaths.
I confess through a choked sob, “Runa.”
The memory of her death and what I’d done hit me full force, a part of my life I will never escape.
I cling tightly to Jerrick, clutching him close and squeezing, as my demons voice my greatest loss. “I almost killed you how I killed my sister.”
32
My Bed is the
Only Safe Place
Itwist and curl my fingers in Jerrick’s cotton tunic. Remorse, exhaustion, and grief thrash through me at the admission that has tormented me for years.
The guilt over what I’d done has been hidden, the knowledge of it shared only with Niko. And the secret we keep remains concealed from the world, surfacing in my sleep, never letting me forget the aftermath of what happened the fateful day my mother and sister died.
I’ve become too familiar with how my magic affects me inwardly versus the terrorizing trauma when my abilities expel through my fingertips and feet.
The darkened thoughts add to Jerrick’s earlier surprised expression, suggesting that if his life, too, were taken by me, his face would join in haunting my nights.
I squeeze him harder, my fingers now running through his hair, fearful I’d never be able to see him again.
What would his death do to Jonas? ToPalaena?
The sheer possibility of it unsettles my nerves, making it hard to breathe as the arena closes in around me, plunging my shame and regret deeper into my soul.
If Niko and I follow through with his plan, I won’t be able to live with myself for condemning an entire kingdom.
The merchant’s words of warning echo in my mind, making the guilt unbearable.
Jerrick keeps me close, rubbing my back and holding my head. He threads his fingers through the plait along my scalp.
The silence is only broken up by each shuttered breath I release.
He leans me against the wall, holding my upper arms.
