Page 134 of Frost and Death
Betina scowls at Niko as she steps up, directing her question to me. “We have not heard from you in a while. What news do you bring?”
She tilts her head at Niko, a signal for me to share my news.
The longing to show him is squished, and my only intention is to explain everything else. “I’ve been away due to my cycle, but there have been developments regarding my father’s disappearance and the upcoming celebrations.”
Shock flashes in Niko’s eyes, and curiosity draws his next question. “What have you found out?”
“Well, that’s the thing. I haven’t found any proof of Palaena’s involvement with my father.”
Betina moves to speak, but Niko interrupts her. “No, not that Tove. What has developed with the ball? Is there a day set yet? When will invitations be sent out? We need to discuss the next steps for battle. I think the following morning will be the best plan for attack.”
The next steps…
Sweet Makers, has my time already run out?
Panic laces around my body, and I try to grant myself more time. “I don’t have that information yet,” I lie, my fears drawing forth my cowardice.
I am not ready for the next step; I have barely navigated meditation. My progress is moving slower than I can afford.
Worry over the inability to save my kingdom after all this pinches in the back of my throat as nausea churns deep in the pit of my stomach.
I scrub my hand over my face as regret grows.
“Tove,” Betina starts, concern lacing her voice, “are you well?”
What a loaded question.
Still, I stumble over my words. “I-I need to go. I-I’m—”
My gaze finds Niko’s, his eyes so full of hope and love. It kills me to leave them like this, but I run my hand over the mirror.
Niko yells, “Tov—”
My old bedroom vanishes from the mirror.
My reflection, sad and distraught as it may be, stares right back. I’ve avoided myself for so long, yet inspecting myself, I see a liar, a failure, and a monster.
Tears fall onto the mirror. I hunch over, gripping it tightly.
The intention to fight has been Niko’s motivation, whereas mine has been for so much more.
I haven’t even scratched the surface of my gifts.
My entire time here has been to save my kingdom and find answers, yet I could not bear to see the disappointment on Niko’s face when I denied him news of our plan and future reunion.
Am I being selfish in wanting to find answers and controlling my abilities first?
Anguish wracks through my body, and I close my eyes, clutching Mother’s mirror tight to my chest as tears seep down my cheeks. It strains against my muscles, even as I roll to my side and draw my knees to my chest.
Ineedto do better.
I need tobebetter.
Moments of my past, my present, and the possible future weave together in a mixed melody. Some of the chords are seamless and complementing, while others are brittle and searing to hear.
I hone in on the rise and fall of my chest, tracking my breaths and slowly relaxing my body.
And when my mind wanders again, it goes back to Jerrick.
