Page 124 of Frost and Death
“But healing, learning, and growing will also be a part of you.” I meet her gaze, and she smiles sweetly. “And I am honored to witness it all.”
Remorse mixed with grief flows around me, my eyes tearing up again at her compassion. I do not know what I did to deserve this, but I cast my regret aside and pull her back into my arms.
I send my thanks to the Makers, grateful and honored that my time here is not a prison. It’s been pleasant and completely different from what I thought.
The space in my heart that used to be for my family expanded for Niko and Betina. But during my time here, I have carved out more for Dorit, Jonas, Cordelia, and Ophelia.
I squeeze Dorit tighter when her arms wrap around me again, her kindness soothing my aching heart.
26
Intrusive and Impulsive Thoughts
Sweat beads across my brow as the convulsing grants me a reprieve.
I groan after dry heaving for the third time this morning, clutching the chamber pot tighter, knowing Jerrick expects me in the library. Yet I can’t seem to care about the reprimand for not showing up, my cycle finally arriving.
I was sorer than usual yesterday, and I did not think anything of it. But I should have known. I should have tracked my days to prepare for it and taken medicine the night prior.
Instead, my mind was preoccupied with thoughts I shouldn’t even be thinking,especiallynow as my insides clench.
Sweet Makers, why does every day my cycle starts have to consist of pain, nausea, and fatigue? Why can’t I just bleed and be done with it?
My intrusive thoughts have me comparing this pain to when I was shot in the back, which was far more tolerable.
Only because you fainted and don’t remember much about it, Tove.
Easing my grip from the chamber pot, I hold my stomach and pray to the Makers I can make it back to bed.
I will crawl if that means preventing further embarrassment here.
Dorit has already seen me cry and has witnessed my nightmares. There is no telling what she will do if she sees me like this.
A burst of pain radiates above my center, my nerves pinching and seizing.
Tears line my eyes as I bite down hard on my lip, trying to fight through it while finding my bearings as I stand.
I brace my body on the wall, the interior stones of the castle cold and a relief against my hot, clammy skin. Trudging through each step, I stagger while maintaining pressure on my abdomen.
But bile shoots up my throat, and I collapse to the floor, hand covering my mouth to stop it from escaping. It doesn’t force its way out, just triggers the heaving again, and this time, I am too far away from my chamber pot, so I keel over into the bathing tub, clutching the cool sides of the metal as pain erupts through me.
It could be worse, Tove.
I press my forehead against the tub, counting my breaths and building up energy. When I want to move again, the door to my chambers opens, and I call for Dorit.
“Tove?” she answers, hurrying in.
Her sentence is inaudible, my heartbeats thrumming in my ears as my breaths begin to increase faster than I can handle.
My groans and heaves fill the chamber, and a cold hand touches the small of my back, rubbing in soft circles. I cannot even savor it because my vision turns spotty.
I gasp to Dorit. “Cycle.”
Ipant.“Medicine.”
Another pant. “Please.”
I hang my head, exhaustion tugging in my chest. The soreness from yesterday has increased, the tension tight and weighing down my arms and legs.
