Page 58 of A Touch of Magic at the Comfort Food Café
‘I didn’t come here to be abused, you hag.’
‘No, you came here for comfort, which I’m happy to provide. I’m not so good at lying though. Honesty comes with the cake. I’m on your side, darling, always, but that doesn’t mean only saying what you want to hear. How did you leave it, with Aidan?’
‘Not well. I kind of ran away. And he’s called a couple of times since, but I couldn’t make myself pick up. Crap. That does sound immature, doesn’t it?’
She nods, and turns to her bowl of crumble while I think it all over. Could she be right? Could I be in love with Aidan? How would I know?
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been in love,’ I tell her, my voice quiet. It’s a tragic thing to admit at my age. ‘I thought I had. I was married, and there was Martin… But looking back, I don’t think I was.’
‘I see. And what makes you think that?’
She winks at me. She knows exactly what she’s doing, and I hate the path she’s leading me down.
‘Aidan,’ I admit, shaking my head. ‘I can’t stop thinking about him. When we’re together, I feel nervous, but in a good way. And I feel content, but in an excited way. And when we’re apart, I… I’m always thinking about when I’ll see him again. Even before we spent the night together, I suppose I was already doing that.’
‘Does time away from him feel like time wasted?’
I nod, biting my lip. It kind of does, if I’m brutally honest. I do my work and I see my friends; and I’ve been there for Sally. But underneath all of those layers of busy, all those layers of otherwise occupied, my mind is always on him. Always wishing I could be near him.
‘And how does he make you feel? Three words. Don’t overthink. Just go for it!’
Ha, don’t overthink… She might as well tell me not to breathe. Still, I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and let instinct take over.
‘Special. Excited. Safe.’
Wow. I blink my eyes back open, and Cherie is looking unbearably smug as she eats her crumble. I throw a cushion at her, which she easily dodges.
‘This is not what I expected when I came here!’ I bleat. ‘I just wanted some sympathy. And cake!’
‘Well, I don’t know what you’re moaning about, you got both, didn’t you? Just a bit of extra insight as well. You’re welcome. No need to thank me. Now, what are you going to do about all this?’
I slump back against the squishy leather of the sofa and bury myself deeper in my blanket. Luna sits next to me, and I give her a little stroke.
I’m suddenly exhausted. And confused. And completely uncertain. This is all too complicated, and a cowardly part of me wishes I’d never come here. I should have just stayed in London, where nobody ever talks to you or forces you to face up to home truths. If I hadn’t moved here, I wouldn’t have met Cherie or Laura or any of the café ladies. I wouldn’t have met Aidan, and then my life would have been a lot simpler.
And, I have to admit, a lot less inspiring. I’ve become braver since I moved to Budbury. I’ve opened up and blossomed in a way I never expected. And just possibly, I’ve fallen in love for the first time ever. I don’t really regret any of those things, but it is still a lot, and I’m very tired.
‘I don’t know, Cherie. Honestly, I’m wiped out. Physically and emotionally. You’ve given me a lot to think about, and right now I’m just too confused and exhausted to do it justice.’
‘Then go home and have a sleep. Let your batteries recharge. Then sort it out, love, please. I told you Budbury was the kind of place that specialises in second chances. Don’t be that horse.’
‘That horse?’ I echo. She’s lost me now.
‘Yes. That really stupid horse. The one that gets taken to water but doesn’t drink it. Drink the water. Be in love. Enjoy your life, sweetheart, because believe me it goes by quicker than you’d imagine, and I can guarantee nobody ever regrets letting more love into their world.’
I’m not totally convinced about that, but it was a good speech, and she obviously believes every word of it. She’s lost two husbands, and still has that passion for love. There’s not an ounce of cynicism in her body, and I wonder if maybe I got her portion somehow.
I nod, standing up to leave. She hugs me and we say our goodbyes. I promise to stay in touch and let her know what, if anything, happens. I make my way back home through the wind and the rain, and do exactly what she suggested– I go to bed.
I don’t have the most restful of sleeps, but I do sleep. At least the passing of time seems to suggest that I have, even if I still feel tired. I peep through the curtains and see that it is dark out there now, and my phone informs me that it is just after 6pm. My phone also tells me that Sally has made it home with Ollie, along with a series of winky face and devil horn emojis.
Aidan has called again at about midday, and once more at about three, but after that hasn’t bothered. He might have the patience of a saint, but I suppose even he has his limits.
I lie in bed for a while, stretching both my body and my mind. Was Cherie right? Have I been hiding the truth from myself? Am I in love with Aidan? I recall those three words, and say them out loud, over and over again. Special. Excited. Safe. Wonderful, wonderful things to feel. And Aidan makes me feel all of them. So why have I turned my back on them? What the hell is wrong with me? Don’t I want to feel special and excited and safe?
I have never really let anybody through my defences like this. I have never given anybody the whole of my heart. I have neverlet anybody take care of me, or fully committed to caring for them. I have always held back, I see now. My connection with other men was never strong enough to break down the barriers I’d built over too many years of feeling threatened, feeling uncomfortable, feeling like the odd one out.
It is strange to be changing all of that at my age. But I think I have to. Lying here, I realise that I’m missing him already. That like Cherie said, every moment away from him feels wasted. Yes, I’ve been a solitary person for most of my life, but does that make me happy? Content, yes, but happy? Not really. I’m okay, but I’m not joyful. With Aidan, I’m joyful. It’s not just the physical, though goodness knows that was amazing; it’s the emotional. When I’m with him, I feel different.
