Page 42 of A Touch of Magic at the Comfort Food Café
‘Exactly that, Sarah. And now you know. I understand that trust doesn’t come easy. But one of the things I decided, while doing that rebuilding, was that I wouldn’t let what happened take away my ability to trust. That I wouldn’t let myself become so scarred by cynicism that I couldn’t ever love again. What happened with my dad and Francesca was heart-breaking. But hiding away from love? That would be a tragedy.’
I lean back in my chair and think about what he’s told me. I’m now even more impressed with him as a human being–to show such strength, such optimism in the face of fairly conclusive proof that the world sucks. He might be physically younger than me, but he is far wiser, and far braver.
‘Can I be honest with you?’ I ask quietly.
‘Always.’
‘I’m not as courageous a person as you, Aidan. I’m trying, I really am, but to some extent it’s going against my nature. Moving here, making friends, being part of a community, none of it is straightforward for me. And then you come along, and frankly you scare me. No, that’s not a strong enough word… You terrify me. You’ve seen how I react when I’m frightened, the way I freeze.’
He nods. ‘Yeah. I noticed it that first time, at Eggardon Hill.’
‘Well, it’s not just physical. I think I react the same way emotionally too. I enjoy spending time with you, Aidan, and I know there’s a connection here. I’m not going to pretend that I don’t find you attractive either, because we both know I’d be lying. But I’m not you. I don’t have that same willingness to be open to love. Friendship, yes, definitely. And who knows, with time maybe that will change. But I know myself well enough to accept that maybe it won’t. I can’t let you wait around for me to be different. I might never be different, and you deserve better. This… This isn’t going to happen.’
He looks as though he wants to disagree, but he nods and stands up. ‘Well, I kind of regret asking you to be honest now. But okay. I hear you, Sarah.’
He looks sad, and I hate that I might have played a part in that. I walk hesitantly towards him, and say: ‘Is it okay to give you a hug? I think maybe we both need one.’
He opens his arms, and I step into them. We cling on to each other, taking and giving comfort, and I sigh into his chest. The mood changes subtly, and he sweeps my hair away from my neck with gentle fingers. I feel his breath against me, then his lipslightly touching the sensitive spot behind my ear. My body takes on a life of its own, pressing against him, thrilled by the contact. By the scent of him, the feel of his arms holding me so close.
‘You know I could change your mind, don’t you?’ he whispers, the words a warm caress dancing over my skin.
‘I know… I know you could. Please don’t, Aidan.’
He sighs, and I feel his reluctance as he pulls away. He looks at me, gives me the heart-melting smile, and shakes his head regretfully.
‘That kiss, at the party?’ he says slowly, his voice heavy and gruff. ‘That was real. I meant it with every part of me.’
He leaves, and I fall back onto the chair, drained and trembling. Have I just made a huge mistake? Have I sent him back to the pub to be consoled by Melody? And if I have, is that any of my concern?
No, I tell myself, it’s not. Aidan is my friend, and I need to draw a line under anything else.
Chapter Sixteen
Idistract myself by staying busy. I start my new book, which as ever feels like an insurmountable task. At the beginning, it’s like I’m at the bottom of Kilimanjaro looking up, wondering how I’ll ever reach the top. Then, step by step and word by word, I always seem to get there. This will be the first book I write here in Budbury, and I hope it doesn’t affect me too much. What if I start lovingly describing lemon meringue at crime scenes, or making my super-villain a donkey? My readers expect darkness and gore and terror, not daisy chains and cupcakes!
Luckily, so far, so good. Or bad, I suppose. DI Carina Shaw is going to be up to her neck in serial killers, suspicions and deeply worrying omens. In the very first scene, a crow flies straight into the windscreen of her car and lies twitching out its death throes on her bonnet. If that isn’t a portent of doom, I don’t know what is.
It actually feels good to be writing something new, to get back to a familiar routine. It’s only familiar up to a certain point, though, because these days, once I’ve finished, I actually emergeinto the real world and do that most horrifying thing of all– socialise.
I joined Laura, Matt, Becca and Sam for a pub quiz at the Horse and Rider, which we won on a tie-break. We all looked very surprised when Matt, the vet-of-few-words, displayed a superior knowledge of the works of Ed Sheeran. He shrugged and said: ‘I have the radio on a lot at work… cultural osmosis.’
Laura poked him in the ribs, laughing as she responded: ‘You told me you always listen to Classic FM, you big, massive Ed Sheeran fan, you!’
I went over to Max’s place for dinner with her and Gabriel, though that mainly involved Gabriel eating and then immediately leaving so we could chat. He looked terrified that we might invite him to stay.
Aidan brought Juno around to visit me as part of her socialisation, and she immediately peed on the kitchen tiles. We just stared at each other and burst out laughing, Juno jumping all over us and looking very pleased with herself for being so entertaining.
As we cleaned it up, he said: ‘Sorry about that. Maybe next time, we’ll take her straight through into the yard.’
‘Not a problem at all. Could have been worse.’
‘Why don’t you have a dog of your own?’ he asked as he washed his hands, watching Juno frolic around the courtyard. ‘You’re a natural with them.’
‘Good question. I mean, I work a lot, but I work at home… I suppose, Aidan, that I can’t even commit to a dog. Does that make you feel better?’
He pretended to consider it, then shook his head. ‘Nah. Not really. But I’m sure I’ll survive. Do you want to come out to Hazelwell and do a woodland walk with me and the pack sometime soon? You can pee on my kitchen floor if you like, get your revenge.’
I’ve taken him up on the offer of the walk, but not of the revenge. The other dogs are getting much braver around me, occasionally running up to sniff my hand or take a treat from me. The weather is just about holding back winter, with a drop in temperatures at night but still some sunshine during the day. It’s a glorious time to be in the woods, with colours changing around us, the perfectly camouflaged dogs winding in and out of the tree trunks.
