Page 56 of Starting Over in Starshine Cove
“Well, that’s an interesting question. I was at the clinic when you called yesterday, and in fact I’ve just come back from seeing my nephrologist at the hospital. The night we first met, in the restaurant, you remember I was glued to my phone?”
“I do. I assumed you were bidding on a rare porcelain tea pot on eBay.”
“Ha! No, I was reading some emails I’d had about test results. Results that suggested my kidney function was declining. And then the day you were doing your practice run for the Spring Feast, and I turned up late?”
I nod, and he continues: “I’d been on the phone with the consultant to discuss it, and to make arrangements to see him again. Today, I found out that the news isn’t great. I’mnow officially stage four, which means I need to start really considering the future. Four isn’t exactly a barrel-load of laughs. My back aches, I pee all the time, and I often feel sick. But if I’m lucky, things might stay like this for years – but they might not, and I was told I need to have a think about what comes next. About my options.”
“And what are they?”
“Fun stuff, like dialysis or a kidney transplant. I’m also now at increased risk of stroke, heart attack and bone disorders. For most people with this condition, it won’t get that serious. Only about one in fifty do go on to the nasty bit, apparently. I guess I’m just lucky.”
I reach out and gently push his hair back from his face. He looks unbearably sad, and I can’t stand it. I lean across the table and kiss him quickly but decisively on the lips. It seems like an effective way of reassuring him.
“And you haven’t told anybody about this?” I ask, already knowing the answer. Suddenly, so many things fall into place – his constant naps, his lack of appetite. His plan to concentrate on the work he loved rather than the work he usually did. The comments he made about his fear of leaving the girls alone. I can only imagine how much that thought has tortured him since he was diagnosed, especially after losing his wife when his daughters were so young.
“No. I’ve been stupidly macho. I have been cutting down on work, because I’ve been told to reduce stress, but other than that I’ve just carried on as normal. I didn’t want to worry the girls, and I’m just not close enough to anyone to tell them. Until I met you. I wanted to tell you, I really did – I’d just got too good at hiding it. At telling myself I’d be fine, no matter how tired I was. And then… then, Connie, I started to fall for you, and everything changed. I tried so hard not to – I even drove you to dates with other men, all the time secretly hoping that you’d hate them! Ididn’t expect any of that to happen… it really wasn’t part of the plan.”
I take his hand in mine, and squeeze his fingers. Despite the terrible circumstances, my heart is thumping a little faster at hearing that he was falling for me – because, of course, Ella was right all along. Being here with him, hearing this news, I can’t deny it anymore. This is most definitely a triple L situation – for both of us, it seems. I should be rejoicing, and part of me is, but I know this is not anywhere near simple for either of us.
“I felt the same, Zack,” I say. “And I had no clue at all what was going on in your mind, so congrats on being an Oscar-level actor. It wasn’t part of my plan either, but I can’t tell you how much I’ve missed you since you left. I felt terrible, mainly because I’d opened up to you and then it seemed like you’d rejected me.”
“It wasn’t that at all, Connie – I desperately wanted to stay. To be with you. To enjoy your company. To confide in you. Also, to be honest, to pick up where we left off on the canoodling front…”
“Canoodling? That’s a fantastic way of putting it!”
“It is, isn’t it?”
We both smile, and it feels good to share that moment of light-heartedness with him.
“So, why did you leave? If you didn’t want to?”
“Well, I guess there were a couple of reasons. I have to admit I was scared. I’ve dated quite a few women in recent years, but none of them scared me before. Except maybe for Simone the yoga instructor, she was terrifying. But you… you were real. We were real. I could see myself staying with you, building a life with you. That was overwhelming, because I’m not entirely sure what my life is going to look like in the future. And I didn’t want to do that to you.”
“Do what to me?”
“I felt like there was a real connection between us, Connie. I could imagine us together in the same way I was together with Rowena – heart and body and soul. Did you feel any of that, or am I imagining it?”
I shake my head. Of course he wasn’t imagining it. I’d felt every one of those things, much as I’d tried to fight it. I’d fallen for Zack in exactly the same way, and can completely understand how scary it felt for him because it was the same for me. When he left in the sudden way he did, I was convinced that everything had been one-sided – that it was only me who was feeling like that. Hearing him say otherwise is making me feel giddy and excited and thrilled, but all of that is tempered by the fact that he still looks so very sad. This should feel like a happy exchange, and yet it doesn’t.
“You weren’t imagining it, Zack. I felt the same. I do feel the same. What I’m not quite sure about is why you didn’t tell me. Why you left the way you did.”
He nods and strokes my palms with his fingers, a delicate and intimate touch that almost undoes me.
“Fear. Not just fear about finally meeting a woman I could love after years of keeping my heart locked away – but fear about the future, and what effect it could have on you. I know what you went through when you lost Simon. I know because I went through the same. I couldn’t bear the thought of us being together when the future is so uncertain. I couldn’t bear the thought of you finally loving someone again, only to lose them again. It didn’t feel fair. I hated the idea of us moving forward, only for you to end up with a man stuck in a sick bed – a burden. A man who might not even be around for long. It was too much to ask of you. I know I should have handled it differently, but I wasn’t thinking straight. I’m so sorry.”
He looks devastated, on the verge of tears, and I drag my chair round so we are next to each other. I pull him into my armsand stroke his hair, soothing him and consoling him. There is a lot to unpack here, a lot to think about. I’d be lying if I said he didn’t have a good point – the way I feel about Zack has already shown me how hard I find being vulnerable. The thought of loving him, of being fully committed to him, and then losing him to sickness? I’m not going to assume that I can cope with that. I am not superhuman, and I know how much that loss hurts.
But for now, none of that matters – for now, the only thing I need to do is make him feel better. Give him the comfort he needs. Provide him with some respite, even if it’s only for a night. Tomorrow, as they say, is another day.
I pull back from our hug, and look him in the eyes.
“It’s okay, I forgive you. Forget about that now. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere. You’ve been spending too much time alone, dealing with all of this. Human brains don’t cope well with that kind of pressure. You need a break. So, here’s the plan – you’re going to go up to bed and have one of your famous world-class naps. I’m going to make us some dinner in your disgustingly tidy kitchen. Then we are going to talk about all of this, and you are going to be honest and open and share all the gory details.”
He pulls a face and says: “Do I have to?”
“Yes. It’s absolutely essential. But then, after our dinner, we will stop talking about it. If you have the energy, we will take Bear for a little walk, and then we will come back here. We will settle down on the sofa, and we will put blankets over our knees like the old people we almost are, and we will watch the telly. Because in our world, that is an exciting night.”
He laughs, and I see some of the sparkle coming back into his eyes.
