Page 52 of Starting Over in Starshine Cove
I nod, and force myself to meet her eyes. She takes in my expression, and adds: “Ah. I see. You were more than friends?”
I nod miserably. This whole talking about your feelings business is so much harder from the other side.
“So why did he leave? You seemed to get on so well!”
“I know. I thought so too. But it’s not just that he left, Ella, it’s that he didn’t even say goodbye. We’d arranged to see each other the next day so we could continue being… more than friends… and I never saw him again. He just left, without a word. Left me a lame note saying he was sorry but he had to go.”
She takes this in, and I see her turning over the words in her mind. Ella is a logical and fair person. She will try and see it all from both sides before she responds.
“Well. That makes him a complete prick in my opinion.”
Oh. Maybe not. I laugh out loud, because that pronouncement is very much not what I expected.
“Yes! It does, doesn’t it? I mean, he could have popped into the café, couldn’t he? It wouldn’t have killed him! It’s just that I was so looking forward to seeing him again, and then I felt like such a fool when I realised he’d run away. It’s not nice, getting all hot and heavy with a guy one night, and him doing a runner the next morning. Not good for the ego, that’s for sure.”
“Well, he’s not only a prick, he’s rude. And an idiot. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry that happened – you don’t deserve it. Did he give you the impression that he was, you know, into you?”
I suppress a smile at her rom-com turn of phrase, and answer: “Ella, I don’t mean to be crude…”
“Why spoil the habit of a lifetime?”
“Fair enough. Okay, to be crude – yes, he was into me. It’s been a long time since I’ve been intimate with a man, but I still recognise the signs. Some of them are really pretty hard to ignore – especially when you’re sitting on them.”
It’s her turn to laugh now, and I realise that I am feeling a little better. A problem laughed at is a problem halved.
“And now I miss him. But I’m also upset with him. I’m going from angry to hurt to sad, all in the space of five minutes. Is this menopause again?”
“Maybe. But I think it’s also a symptom of being a woman who is suffering from a bad case of the Three Ls. You remember those, don’t you? I seem to remember you diagnosed me with them almost two years ago…”
I stare at her and pull an ‘as if’ face. The Three Ls are sacred. The Three Ls that Ella was very much suffering from were Love,Lust and Like, all for the man who is now her husband and the father of her child. The Three Ls are often found singly or in pairs, but rarely found together.
“I don’t think so, Ella. I mean, I barely know him really… I know I first met him decades ago, but it’s only really been weeks in the real world.”
“Except you do know him. Except time has nothing to do with these things, does it? The Three Ls have a mind of their own. They don’t care how long you’ve known someone, or what youshouldbe feeling, or why it could all be a terrible mistake to feel anything at all… they just exist. And they aren’t often wrong.”
I examine what she’s saying a bit more closely, determined to decide that there is no possible way it could be true. Yes, I like Zack. Yes, I lust after Zack – I was doing that even before our night of curtailed passion. But love? Isn’t that a bit too dramatic? Isn’t that a bit too big for what this is? I’m still half convinced that if I ignore it, it will all go away.
“Look,” Ella continues, “I didn’t know you when Simon was around. But the way you seemed when you were with Zack… well, you were happy, Connie. And not just in your normal way. You seemed happy in a way I’ve never seen you. I know you’re probably struggling acknowledging that final L exists, but at least consider it.”
“I’m fifty-five, Ella – not fifteen! I’m way too old to fall in love – I was lucky to have that once, and I’ve never expected to have it again!”
“Fifty-five is young these days. You’ll be here till you’re at least a hundred. You’re barely halfway through, Connie – are you sure you want to give up on that last L for the rest of your life? Isn’t that why you went on your dates?”
I nod, because I can’t deny it. Against my better judgement, almost, I have allowed that part of myself to open up again –I’d allowed myself to hope, I’d allowed myself to move on, even though I felt guilty for doing so.
“But look how it all turned out, Ella! Two failed dates, and then a spectacular rejection from Zack – the only man who I’ve really been interested in for years. The only man who triggered even two of the Ls, never mind the third… he walked out, without even explaining why.”
“That must hurt, and I know you said you’re angry. Would you feel better if you had a proper explanation?”
“Yes, I would – because anything’s better than ‘it’s not you it’s me’, isn’t it?”
She cringes and nods.
“It really is. So, then, Connie – I suppose the next thing to figure out is, what are you going to do about it?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, ask yourself your usual question – what would Dolly do?”
