Page 70 of Jenny James Is Not a Disaster
“Sorry, Mum!” he says as I perch on the edge of the bed next to him. “I didn’t mean to cause all this trouble! I was just... I was angry, and I needed some time on my own.”
“Believe me, love, I understand. I did as well—I just went shopping and spent a load of money instead of spraining my ankle, though. Maybe they’re both self-destructive in their own way. And I’m sorry about our argument. I hate it when we argue, Charlie.”
“Me too,” he says, sounding relieved—I have said the first sorry about the row, which in teenage world means that he is now allowed to give a little as well. “It always feels like the world isn’t quite spinning right when we fall out, doesn’t it? I’m sorry I was such a prick about it all, but you did ambush me.”
“I know,” I say, nodding decisively, “and I’ve also had a whole day to think about it. I did ambush you, and I did make decisions on your behalf, and I should have talked to you first. I know exactly how it feels to be on the receiving end of that. But I also made that decision because I think it’s the best one for you. I’ve been making decisions without talking to you for a long time, and I hope I’ve not made any huge mistakes so far. I just want to—”
“Protect me?” he asks, raising his eyebrows.
“Yeah. That. And kill you sometimes, obviously.”
“Fair enough. But look, Mum—I don’t want to fight again, but I do want you to listen to me. I’m really not a kid anymore. And yes, before you say anything—I know the events of the last few hours don’t exactly win me any maturity prizes, but, as you said yourself, accidents happen. I haven’t decided to defer uni on a whim. I’ve thought about it a lot.”
I bite my tongue and resist all my urges to interrupt him. He is asking to be treated like an adult, and accusing him of behaving like a child will not help.
“Have you?” I reply quietly. “I had no idea.”
“I was going to talk to you about it earlier, but life kind of got complicated, didn’t it? I was considering it already, and the road trip just kind of made my mind up... I don’t want to go to uni just yet. I want to see more of the world, and more of my dad, and more of... you know, stuff!”
I am taken aback that I had no idea he had been considering deferring—but I know I shouldn’t be. Teenagers are made up of 90 percent secrets. We are close, but I have never told him everything about me—so why should I expect the same in return?
“Okay. I’m just worried about it, that’s all. Worried that maybe you’ll get distracted. That you’ll forget all your plans. That—”
“That I’ll turn into my dad?” He laughs when he sees the shocked expression on my face, and adds: “What? How thick do you think I am? Did you assume I thought Dad was this perfect role model? I’m not blind, Mum. I know who raised me. I know who was always there for me, who did all the hard stuff. You’ve never said it, but I’m capable of figuring things out on my own—I know he left us in the lurch, and I know he’s far from perfect. But I also know that I want to do this—I want to travel, I want to see more of the world, and yes, I want to get to know my dad better. I’m not going to suddenly drop out and join a commune and spend the rest of my life smoking dope in the foothills of the Himalayas or anything. I’ve worked hard in my exams, and I want to go to uni, want to have a career, all of that—just not right now. You have to trust me, and trust yourself—you didn’t raise an idiot!”
I feel humbled, and touched, and surprised, and in awe of this amazing human being. But I also still feel troubled—unconvinced. Scared, I suppose, to let him go.
“Okay, thank you for that,” I reply, holding his hand. “And I understand, I really do. And we can definitely talk about it more—”
“Mum,” he says, squeezing my fingers. “I know a bit about what happened, between you and your parents—Ethan and Shannon are proper gossips. But do you remember what it felt like, back then, when you were this age and they were trying to control you, when they thought they knew what was best for you?”
“Yes, and I hated it, Charlie... but in some ways they were right! They just wanted to protect me from making a terrible mistake!”
“That terrible mistake being, eventually, me?”
“No—you know that, love! You were the best thing that ever happened to me, and I can’t even imagine a life without you in it. But it wasn’t easy, Charlie—and I so want your life to be easy!”
“But, Mum,” he says, grinning, “where’s the fun in that? Anyway... I’m pretty sure they could use this bed for someone else. Let’s go home.”
“Home?” I repeat as I help him up. “Which one? An empty space in Norfolk, Foxgloves, Joy, the caravan...? I’m not quite sure where home even is anymore.”
“Don’t be dense, Mum,” he says as he leans on my shoulder and hops. “Surely you’ve figured it out by now? Home is wherever you’re happy.”
Chapter 21
Charlie’s ankle heals annoyingly well, and annoyingly quickly, and the day he is leaving comes around annoyingly soon.
I had to accept his reasoning, take a giant leap of faith, and do what he asked of me—trust him. I also had to have a long conversation with Rob on the phone, where I expected to have to lay down ground rules, herd his lunacy, and generally be the boss. I was pleasantly surprised to find that he was not only reasonable but equally as committed to Charlie coming back for uni next year, even promising to ensure that he does so tattoo and piercing free.
I suppose, I admitted grudgingly to myself, that I am not the only one who can change—and the Rob of now is not the Rob I used to know. He will never be Mr. Nine to Five, or someone you’d call in a crisis, but after we talk, I have to accept that he is also not going to drag my son—our son—into a whirlpool of psychedelia and instability. He even paid for Charlie’s flight, which shocked me. I should have been more open to the fact that this could be a good idea, that Rob could be a positive part of Charlie’s life and not just a messy part. Iam still not 100 percent sold on it all, but I am more settled with it than I was.
And now, we are all here, taking up most of the space in the lobby of the tiny local airport, where Charlie will catch a flight to Paris via London. Rob will meet him at the other end, and the next set of his adventures will begin—getting to know both another country and his own father.
Richard is here, bringing his children and Mum and Dad with him in his car, and Luke and I traveled in my mum’s. Now his bags are checked in and we are all standing in a huddle, saying our goodbyes. Charlie works his way around the group, variously exchanging handshakes, cuddles, and fist bumps, saving a huge man hug for Luke—one of those where they are hugging but also slapping each other’s backs, so it looks marginally like a fight.
It is finally my turn, and I hold on to him so tightly, I hear him gasp. I wrap my arms around him and squeeze, and I really don’t ever want to let go. He might be grown up, but he will always be my baby.
“Mum,” he says, peeling my arms away from his waist. “Unless you’re coming too, you need to let me go...”
