Page 73 of A Very Irish Christmas
She makes it sound so sensible, but the very idea of it paralyses me.
‘What if he doesn’t feel the same?’ I ask. ‘What if that kiss was just a fluke? What if he rejects me? I’ve had enough of that to last a lifetime…’
She shrugs her shoulders, and replies: ‘Then you could always get therapy, or go home, or change your identity, couldn’t you? I’ve a feeling he won’t though, child. I’ve an inkling he feels exactly the same, but he’s too stubborn to do anything about it. Or too scared, maybe. One of you is going to have to be brave. Who’s it to be?’
THIRTY
I can’t quite believe what I’m about to do. I can’t quite believe that I’ve come this far without chickening out.
I am being dropped off by a chatty taxi driver in the drizzly rain, on the outskirts of Cork. There were no flights here on Christmas Day, and the one to Dublin was sold out – so in the end, Eileen gave me her seat. I’d protested, but she’d been insistent.
‘This is for love, Cassie – I’m very fond of you, and that big oaf Ryan, and I know what his mammy would want me to do. He’s been in the wilderness for too long, so, and you’re just the girl to bring him out of it. You’ll take my flight, and you’ll get yourself to Cork – it’ll cost you an arm and a leg in a cab today, maybe even a kidney, but… look, that man is worth it.’
I couldn’t find a way to talk her out of it, and when Ryan’s reply to my message landed, I didn’t want to.
Lucky dog
He’d said, in response to the picture.
Happy Christmas, Cassie. I find that I’m missing you, but I suppose my heart will go on.
That harmless little message carried me all the way to London, then all the way to Dublin, and then all the way to a small line of taxis outside the airport. It carried me through the shock of the hundreds of euros it cost. It carried me all the way to this spot, on a quiet road lined with big detached mini-mansions.
Now, I’m starting to think it’s not enough. I mean, ‘lucky dog’? That could just be his usual flirting – and he’s missing me? He’s probably missing Eileen as well. It means nothing!
It’s getting dark despite the fact that it’s only just after five, and the air is still damp from the last downpour. I am standing on a neatly landscaped street, hiding behind a bush, holding the strap of my purse so hard my fingers are white. What am I doing here? Why did I let Eileen talk me into this?
I’ve made a terrible mistake, and now I’m stuck here. The taxi has driven off, and I’m alone. I have no idea where I am, and I’m not sure the city is within walking distance. I get out my phone, looking at the map and wondering where the nearest hotel is. If I leave now, he’ll never even know I was here.
It’s cowardly, and I despise myself for it. I thought I’d moved on. I thought I had more confidence than this – but as I stare at that brightly lit house, all I can think of is Ted. He’s not been on my mind for so long, I’d almost forgotten what that particular stone in my shoe feels like. But suddenly, there he is – looking down at me at the altar, in front of everyone we knew, telling me he can’t go through with it.
I hate Ted, I decide. And I hate myself for letting him creep back into my thoughts. I wrestle with the urge to call June,knowing that I need to make my own decisions. Whatever I do, I need to own it.
I’m still trying to figure out what to own when I hear a strange sound coming up the street. I freeze still, and listen. I can hear a little boy, chattering away, and a man laughing. And over all of that, I hear a cow. Yep, I think, frowning – it’s an actual cow, mooing in the moonlight as it clops up the road.
It’s wearing some kind of harness, and is being led along towards me. I realise in seconds who this is – it’s Ryan’s nephew, Sean, who wanted a cow for Christmas. Looks like he got one.
As I watch them draw closer, I see that the laughing man is Ryan, and my heart skips at the sight of him. He’s wearing a chunky sweater and jeans and his big old boots, and he’s got a cow on a rope. Of course.
I’m safe where I am, I think. I could easily stay here, hidden from view. I could disappear from this street, from this country, from his life. But is that what I really want? Isn’t that something I will always regret, something that will leave its mark on me in the same way that Ted did?
I need to be brave, I tell myself. I need to see where the ride takes me. I step forward, and both of them jerk at the unexpected intrusion. Ryan instinctively steps in front of his nephew, presumably in case I’m a threat, and I wave at them both.
‘Hi!’ I say brightly, as if it’s a completely normal thing for me to be here. ‘It’s me… um, I was just passing!’
Ryan stares at me as I walk towards them, and a slow smile starts to appear on his face.
‘You were just passing? Really?’
‘Yeah. In the neighbourhood, you know.’
He nods, hands Sean the rope, and closes the distance between us. He doesn’t touch me, but it feels like he does – evenhaving him near makes my pulse race. He reaches out, pushes my wet hair away from my face.
We don’t have time for anything more, because the little boy starts jumping up and down and tugging his hand.
‘Uncle Ryan, come on! I need a wee!’
‘You go ahead now, Sean. I’ll stay out here with Buttercup a minute.’
