Page 80 of The Moment I Met You
We are both crying now, and as I cling on to his fingers I am grateful for it – grateful for the secrets being revealed, for the truths being told, for the sharing of this emotional burden.
We sit, silently, and let our feelings run their course. I have had years of dealing with this loss – Harry has only just been told about it. I owe him some time.
‘So,’ I say, when he seems recovered enough to talk. ‘I think perhaps we need to stop lying to each other, don’t you? Stop all the secrets. Tell me about Alison.’
I say this gently, to reassure him that it is okay. That it is finally all right for us to be honest – that we can do so without fear of hurting each other. We both need that honesty right now.
‘It’s not what you think,’ he replies, pulling his hand slowly from mine and wiping his tear-stained face with his sweater.
‘She has a ramp at her house. Her children adore you. That was clearly not your first visit. What I think is that you are part of her family, Harry.’
‘It’s not … we’re not … we haven’t slept with each other, is what I mean.’
It almost makes me smile the way he says that, borderline embarrassed. As though sex is a dirty word he’s too nice to utter.
‘Maybe you should,’ I say. ‘Harry, come on, we both know you don’t have to sleep with someone to be having an affair, do you? There are so many ways of being unfaithful.’
Maybe it’s the adrenaline of the day – goodness knows there have been enough shocks since I woke up this morning. Maybe it’s the alcohol. Maybe it’s simply that I have had enough of the pretence, enough of the lies. Enough of living a half-life.
He looks at me, and says one word: ‘Alex?’
‘Yes,’ I reply. ‘Alex. Nothing ever happened between us, all those times we met. But I wanted it to, Harry.’
It is, perhaps, too stark, the way I say that. He looks up from his glass and replies, ‘You wanted to, and you denied yourself. For me. Again. So … what went wrong? Why did you stop seeing him? Did he find someone else?’
He says this with an edge of cruelty, as though he is hoping that was the case. Hoping that I was hurt. I let it go – I know how he feels. I was feeling it myself not that long ago, that urge to lash out, that frustration. And I have just given him news that has affected him deeply.
‘I ended it because it wasn’t fair, to any of us. I cut off contact with him because I felt what we were doing was wrong. And maybe he has met someone else by now. I hope he has.’
‘Do you? Really?’
‘I think so. I don’t see the point in everyone being miserable, do you?’
‘I didn’t think any of us were, Elena.’
‘Harry,’ I say firmly, placing my hands down on the table. ‘I’ve kept secrets of my own, I know. But I just found out that you were with another woman on the night of the earthquake, shortly after discovering that you’ve been lying about my engagement ring and proposal for all these years. And I’ve just, this very afternoon, been confronted with the fact you’ve been close enough to Alison, long enough for her to have altered her home for your convenience.
‘I saw the way you were together – you and her and the kids. You looked happy, for goodness’ sake! Not just all right, or okay, or satisfied, or any of those half-hearted words that we could use to describe our relationship – but actuallyhappy. No, we weren’t miserable – but we weren’t happy either, were we?’
He considers this, and gives me a small smile.
‘I thought we could have been, once. Back in Mexico that night – my bad behaviour aside – I thought I’d ask you to marry me, you’d obviously say yes, and we’d be happy.’
‘If the earthquake hadn’t happened, Harry, I wouldn’t have said yes. Regardless of Alex, or Greta, or Alison – they are nothing to do with this. You must have known that I wasn’t settled, that I didn’t want to make that kind of commitment. That I was thinking that we’d run our course anyway …’
‘Ouch. Well, part of me did, obviously. I thought you were getting restless, and I didn’t want to lose you. Then afterwards … after the accident, I convinced myself I’d imagined it. That you still loved me. That you would have said yes.’
‘I did say yes.’
‘I know. And here we are. Elena, can I be honest with you?’
‘Please do.’
He nods, and takes a drink, and continues. ‘Part of me probably suspected that you only said yes because of my injuries. You’ve always been such a good person. You’ve always been so kind, and generous – you’re not the kind of woman who would abandon a man who’s just found out he’s paralysed. You stuck with me, you put me first – I always knew that, but until you told me about … the baby … I hadn’t even realised quite how much. You were suffering yourself, and you still put me first.
‘Then I ambushed you as well, with the TV cameras … that was a bit low, I know, but I was desperate. I needed you, and you didn’t let me down. Anyway. I think, under everything else, that I’ve always had a bit of resentment about that.’
‘About me saying yes? You resented me for marrying you?’
