Page 89 of Thorns of Lust
That was weeks ago.
Having Yan drop me off in the heart of the city due to crowds, I exited the car and walked down the hot pavement, the weather humid. None of it bothered me though, as I watched people from all over the world flock to the French Quarter.
The smell of jambalaya, gumbo, beignets, and unfortunately urine in certain corners invaded my senses. The cuisine of New Orleans was known for its spices, but it was the sweets that were my favorites.
Elaborate decorations all year long were the signature of the city. Tourists gathered around the street painters and cheered on local street bands. Music, laughter, and cheer were always present in this city.
And for the first time in so many months, the desperation and sadness didn’t swallow me whole; although it was still there. In a dark corner of my soul, hiding from the light and laughter.
A young woman with a baby caught my eye. I watched the baby laugh excitedly as they danced together to the local music, the rare summer breeze sweeping through. Instant sorrow wrapped around my heart and constricted so hard that tears stung my eyes.
I wanted so badly to have a baby of my own. Adrian was so set against it. I couldn’t understand why. Acid ate at my heart, the green hole growing bigger and bigger with each breath.
For months before his death, he seemed more like a stranger than the boy that kept calling me a pipsqueak.
I stood in front of Adrian in my Valentino dress that barely reached my knees and matching pumps.
He took a sip of his drink, probably vodka as his eyes traveled over me, impassive and cold. Those green eyes that used to send my heart racing in anticipation, now only managed to disappoint and flare my anger.
I didn’t know what had shifted between us. Something had happened and he refused to acknowledge it. Stubbornness was part of my DNA. My brothers ensured that.
“What?” I snapped.
He took another sip of his drink and looked at me in annoyance.
“Are you trying to start shit, Tatiana?”
I clenched my fists. I could feel my anger rising inside of me, as well as his burning through me. Our eyes clashed, resentment in his blue depths sending my heart spiraling until it fell to my feet.
All the years I had known him, he had never shown me this side of himself. I didn’t know it even existed.
“Adrian-” My voice cracked, the pain in it evident. “What happened?” I choked on the words. I had loved him for so long. First as my brother’s friend, then friends and ultimately as my crush until he became my lover.
This tension swimming through the air was suffocating. The invisible chain wrapped around my throat tighter and tighter.
My lip trembled and I cursed myself for not being stronger.
Vasili and Sasha had always protected me, but they also taught me how to protect myself and be strong. Physically strong. But emotionally I was too sensitive because both my brothers always babied me too much. Even I knew that.
“If you don’t want this marriage, just say so,” I croaked.
Something passed his expression, but it was gone so fast, I couldn’t be certain. Each thud of my heart ached as I waited for his answer drowning in his green eyes.
The green eyes of deep forests.
I swallowed the lump in my throat and ignored the ache in my chest. I waited for his answer, but it never came. He stared somewhere past me, almost as if he couldn’t bear to look at me.
“Why else wouldn’t you want to have a baby with me?” My voice broke, just as my heart was breaking. Slowly but surely.
“Don’t do this,” he said, his voice almost sorrowful. Almost desperate. The heartbreaking silence stretched on, tearing us further and further apart.
“Do what?” I murmured, my eyes welling with tears. I wasn’t enough for him. Deep down in my heart I knew it as well as I knew my name. “Beg you for a family of our own?”
“I told you,” he said, his voice cracking. “I don’t want to bring a child into this world. Mine was plenty fucked up. I don’t want that for my children.”
“You and I are nothing like our parents,” I pleaded. “We are better. We’d offer our children a better life.”
All the years of damage that Adrian’s childhood cemented into his DNA couldn’t be remedied. I could see that now, but back then, I was too blind to see it. I failed him; he failed me.
