Page 21 of The Den of Sin
“Oh, so it’s not the fact you are with me?” she teased.
“It is absolutely because I am with you.” I smiled. “But I need to find a job, make some big decisions.”
It was hard to believe that only two weeks ago my whole life exploded, on national news, in front of millions of readers. The whole world saw my ex-boyfriend banging some chick. Bitterness swelled inside me with images of them in Ryan’s living room. How I wished I could somehow unsee it all!
“You are thinking about it,” Tatiana scolded me. “Stop.”
I shook my head. She was right. Tatiana showing up at my apartment kicked me into gear. Even before the big scandal with Ryan, Los Angeles never felt like home. Maybe all this was just a sign. Or maybe I was mental, trying to find some weird positive in this damn mess.
At least I was capable of thinking rationally this time. When her brother broke my heart in college, I was upset for months. Maybe because I gave him my virginity, my all. After all, you never forget your first. Right around the same time Vasili used me, my mother passed away. It was another hard loss to swallow.
Until I met Tatiana’s oldest brother, I had never been tempted to give in and sleep with a guy on the first night. But around Vasili Nikolaev, all my reason, control, and rationality went out the window. Or just seared to ashes.
Sometimes I still thought about him but I never,ever, asked Tatiana about him. I didn’t want to know. Actually, I did want to know, but it wasn’t good for me to know. I had never told his sister what happened between her oldest brother and me. It was mine and Vasili’s agreement. But also I didn’t want to lose her as a friend. After all, I was his willing victim.
I still remembered the first time I stared into his eyes. Tatiana and her brothers shared similar eye color, but Vasili’s were even paler than his younger brother’s and sister’s. Something about his eyes, the uncharacteristically pale blue and the intensity in them, shook me to my core every time I gazed upon him.
Tatiana and I met in college and hit it off on the first day. I was pre-med and she was a political science major. Within the first month, I met both of her brothers. Sasha was easy going, pleasant, easy on the eyes, and made you laugh. I loved hanging out with him.
Vasili Nikolaev, on the other hand, was intense, overbearing, and utterly gorgeous. From the moment I locked eyes with him something in me shifted and never went back to its place. I fucking loved my body’s response to him even before he touched me. He was a force of a man.
He was twenty years my senior, built like a god, scary and intimidating. So, of course, I wanted him even more. But I always thought he was way out of my league. He saw me as his little sister’s friend, troublemaker, and both of us as irresponsible party animals.
What could I say? Tatiana and I lived up to the college reputation. We survived our classes together, drunken parties, and got into a lot of trouble during our college years. We came up with our brightest ideas when we got drunk, and we never knew who came up with them when we sobered up.
Till that Halloween night of my senior year. When he consumed me in every sense of the word. I guess Vasili proved me wrong, didn’t he? All that time, he was toying with me, waiting for the right time to strike and tear me down. All that so he could get back at my mother. It was a blessing in disguise that she never learned what I had done with Vasili Nikolaev. It didn’t matter how much my body wanted him, I might have been at the point where I hated his guts as much as he hated mine.
All in all, thank God Vasili is in Russia, I told myself. There was no chance of running into him.
All those years that passed and my insides still shook each time I thought about him. Hence the reason for keeping him out of my mind, my sights, and most importantly, out of my heart. I was surprised to see him in L.A., and it was a painful confirmation that I hadn’t gotten over all that had happened between us. Vasili used me without any consideration of the consequences to me, and I ended up bearing them alone. My hand fluttered to my lower abdomen, and the familiar pain in my chest accompanied it.
A deep sigh escaped me.
The memory of that night still stung. I have had enough humiliation with the latest incident from Ryan to last me a lifetime. I didn’t need a reminder that I wasn’t good enough for Vasili Nikolaev too.
When Vasili dropped the bomb and tore my heart into shreds, I ended up licking my wounds by spending every minute of my day studying and working my ass off. It was my only reprieve. I wanted to prove to myself that I was good enough. After graduating, I worked in the ER until I caught the eye of Ryan Johnson.
This time, I had nothing to do but lounge around after my big love fiasco. Which was so much worse because it gave me all the time in the world to think about everything. And most of all Vasili - which was disturbing.
“We should go out tonight,” Tatiana’s voice pulled me back from the trip down the memory lane. “Dancing or at least to a bar.”
“If you want.”
“Unless you don’t want to.” She wanted to, I could tell by the expression on her face.
I sighed, unable to resist her. “I want to,” I mumbled the lie. “I didn’t pack anything to wear for going out.”
“That’s okay,” she beamed. “You can have my stuff. There are plenty of dresses with tags still on them.” She wasn’t exaggerating either. Tatiana’s closet was bigger than some L.A. homes. Heading to the edge, she pulled herself out of the pool. “I’ll get us dinner reservations and put our name on the list for the club.”
“Okay,” I answered unenthusiastically, but she didn’t pick up on it. I watched her wrap a towel around herself and head into the house. I couldn’t even remember the last time I went out to a club.
Was it the night that Vasili threw me over his shoulder and ravished me in my dorm room?
I groaned inwardly. What was with me today and all the past I kept dragging up? I didn’t want to think about any of it. I didn’t want to remember it either. All it would bring me was sorrow. If I didn’t love Tatiana so much, I would have cut all ties so there’d be no chance of ever running into Vasili. But I cared about my friend a lot. She was the sibling I never had.
I heard the purr of an engine, but I just ignored it. Tatiana had people coming and going all day long. If it was my house, it would drive me nuts, but Tatiana’s brothers had people guarding the house and their little sister twenty-four hours a day.
Swimming toward the side of the pool, I pulled myself out of the pool and headed towards my chair. I grabbed my phone and scanned through my emails.Nothing.
