Page 36 of Crown of Iron
I lower my voice and say, “Don't stop living in this moment in preparation for the future. Tomorrow isn't promised, Leif.”
He bites his bottom lip and bows his head. “I know.”
“At least spend some time with the man. If not for you, then for me. I think a few steamy kisses will do him some good.”
“He's a drill sergeant, Elle.”
“And I'm afraid of heights and could use a little understanding.” I pick up an apple and take a bite.
My best friend flashes the dimpled smile that sets hearts aflutter all across Lucent and piles food onto his plate. He can try to hide what he’s feeling, but he clearly wants something more than what I can offer him.
When I exit the mess hall, the rain has let up and my spirits are a little higher. I didn't realize how much I needed a moment with Leif until lunch was over and we had to go our separate ways. I’ve dedicated every waking moment to my training and getting to fight alongside the best. The drills are physically draining, the weapons training is anything but fun, and the strategy courses… Statera strike me down. I don't know how Leif does it. I've bitten all my nails down to the quick worrying I'm devising a faulty plan. But I've done it all. Well, except for the damn wall.
The hard work does come with benefits, my favorite being the camaraderie. In the capital, almost every person my age wanted to be around me, but they weren't intrigued byme. Personal invites to royal events and rubbing shoulders with the elite. Thelifethat rules me dazzled them. Fancy dinners don't matter around here, and for the first time in my life, it feels like people see the real me.
I round the corner at the end of the street and the stables come into view. Kyron steps out of the entrance, guiding Samson out by the rein. Wepause and for a split second we lock eyes before he turns his attention to his horse.
I haven't seen him since the day he told me I could train. It’s been both a blessing and a curse. My attention has been on my grueling conditioning during the day. I don’t have room for any distractions. At night, that all changes. I’m haunted by the disappointment on his face when I accused him of siphoning from me.
My steps eat up the space between us. It doesn’t matter that I’m caked in mud or that the rain is still drizzling down. I finally have an opportunity to say I’m sorry. Pausing just shy of reaching Samson, I ask, “Do you have a moment to talk?”
“No.”
I take a step back at his brazen tone. I’ve had my share of blunt words thrown my way, especially in the past week, but this hit harder.
I clear my throat and clasp my hands before me. “I just want to…”
He slowly tilts his head and glares at me. My blood chills in my veins. This is the face of the general who demands the respect of his soldiers. It’s enough to make me want to run.
“I’m not interested in your apologies to ease your guilty conscience,” he says.
“I’m not…” I can’t get the words out because it’s exactly what I’m doing.
I don’t trust him, but I trust him more than I did the day I walked into his office. His selfless acts, the fairness he displays in his command, and his ability to bend even when someone doesn't deserve it have made me less wary of him. Too many free minutes have been spent questioning my fear and coming to terms with the possibility that I've misjudged him. Guilt has come with that realization, and I want to unload that weight.
Kyron pulls himself onto Samson's saddle and looks straight ahead as he says, “Another lesson for you: trust your gut. And if you make a bad call, learn to live with it. There are no apologies on the battlefield.”
I bite the inside of my lip to hide its trembling. The words are so close to the ones my father used to say to me.Right your wrongs immediately. You never know if you’ll have the chance to do it tomorrow.It appears I’ve lost the opportunity.
“Noted,” I say with a nod.
He spurs Samson on, and they disappear into the trees that lineBasecamp. As soon as they’re out of sight, I crouch in the middle of the field and bury my face in my hands.
Everything feels like it’s spiraling out of control. My reason for being here is taking longer than I hoped it would. Micah will come for me. Leif is holding back from finding true happiness with someone else because of his obligation to me. Kyron is so upset by my assumptions about him that he refuses to talk to me, and I’ll need him to rally the other soldiers. I never expected this to be easy, but I didn’t think it would get harder by the day.
I lift my head and slick back my wet hair. The obstacle course wall stands in the distance. For fuck’s sake, even a wall is a hurdle I can’t overcome. No. I won’t be defeated. Not by that. If I can finish the course, I’m one step closer to reaching my goal. I may not be able to right all my wrongs, but I can conquer this one fear.
Thirteen
“Stupid. Fucking. Wall.” I punctuate each word, kicking the bane of my existence.
With a huff, I pull my hair back into a tie and slip on the leather gloves I found in the stable. I've dedicated every second of my free time to overcoming my fear. I first met this monstrosity over a week ago, and the highest I've made it up is to the halfway point. That feat took me several attempts that lasted well into the night. It's an impressive achievement for me, but it's not good enough.
I grab the rope and tug.
The rope has never let me down, never wavered, never made me trust only to turn around and avoid me, never ridden off, or hidden in his office. No, the fucking rope is reliable and forgiving.
I lift myself off the ground.
