Page 12 of If I Loved You
Breathing heavily, hand rubbing his jaw, Zach followed her agitated progress around the room. She wasn’t particularly going anywhere, only seemed to be brewing something within.
Finally, she faced him again, her countenance raw, anxious, while he stared once more at her mouth.Made for kissing. Jesus.
“Is that why you insist I remain, my lord?” Her voice was ragged and low, a wealth of pain told there. “You think that you might just pick up where you believe your father left off?”
His gaze swung sharply to hers, his jaw tightened, but he said nothing immediately. He deserved that. Barely discernibly, he shook his head, pursing his lips with consideration, his eyes meeting hers squarely. He shouldn’t have kissed her, he knew that much, and the hurt in her voice made him doubly sorry that he had. He hadn’t a proper defense for that kiss, other than that it was possible to justify it in his own head since he’d been the one beleaguered with thoughts of little else since first meeting EmmaAinsley. Wisely, Zach withheld this information, believing it not likely to appease her.
There had little occasion in his life when he’d been called upon to tender an apology; and less occasions, truth be known, that he’d considered the recipient worthy of his inconvenience. This, he knew, was different—Emma Ainsley might possibly be as innocent as she put forth. Surely, her eyes abetted her claim of purity, and if he gave this deliberation a fair trial, her untutored response to his kiss had corroborated this assertion as well.
“My apologies,” he said stiffly. She gave no indication that she had even heard him, just stood there, arms distrustfully crossed over her breasts, ostensibly waiting for ... more. “You should not imagine that I insist you stay for only that. I do so because I know you haven’t anywhere to go, and in all honesty, I am not entirely convinced that Bethany is not my sister. I just haven’t reconciled in my head why you might be lying about this.”
“But I am not,” she argued miserably, and it was obvious she thought she’d never persuade him otherwise.
“I suppose your role in Bethany’s birth can be easily proven or disproven,” Zach suggested crudely. “Unless, of course, there have been others.”
This seemed not to garner the outrage it should have, and Zach wondered if she indeed even had a clue as to what he inferred.
She squared those small shoulders once again and drew a long breath. “My lord, you named the amount your father pledged to me as a monthly allowance. I truly have no care to be supported by you but would ask that I be given two months of that bequest. That would allow me to lease rooms for Bethany and me for many, many months. I ask no more than that as I canwork to support us. I—I assume it is not within your power to refuse me the coin that is, essentially, mine.”
A muscle in his jaw began to twitch. No, he hadn’t any power to refuse her the monies. Hell, he hadn’t anyintentionof doing so. He just didn’t want her gone from here, whatever Bethany’s parentage might be. But he ignored her request for now.
“Explain to me, if you will, how it can be that Bethany is not your child. She bears the look of you—hair color aside—and those eyes are rather unmistakable.”
A draining sigh preceded her answer. “My parents died when I was very small. My sister, who was seven years older than me, and I maintained a room at the King’s Arms. Gretchen worked for the both of us while I was too young.” She paused a moment then shrugged as she explained, “Gretchen had many admirers. She died bringing Bethany into this world. I—I couldn’t very well place my sister’s baby in one of those horrid orphanages. And the Smythes were wonderfully supportive.”
“And my father?”
“Your father first came to the inn during a bad rain—his carriage was stuck up the road. I happened to be working the taproom, as Alice was held back by the rains. Your father was nice. He was protective, actually, even before I knew him well. There was a brawl that night and I was caught in the middle of it. My finger was broken, and your father was kind enough to send for his own doctor. He returned a week later to check on me. He was smitten with Bethany. That is how it began.”
“And?” There had to be more. A man didn’t include a girl in his estate leavings unless there was more.
She shrugged again. “And... what? He visited us regularly after that. He took us to market in Lambeth. He showed us hisnew Landau. He bought Bethany a doll. He tried to persuade me to leave the inn.”
Zachary added what most he needed verified. “And you had a relationship with him.”
“Well, yes.” She admitted, as if this needn’t have been asked. “I loved Michael. He wasn’t anything like the usual nabobs; he wasn’t stuffy and full of himself. He might have been the kindest man I’d ever known.”
Feeling something roil within at her confirmation, Zach knew not what else to say. Having this fact indeed established did not ease his mind at all, and it certainly did not make it easier to deal with this raging desire for her. He still wanted to taste her again. He still wanted to explore more. But he would not.
He could not.
He determined then that herintenthad never been to swindle his father out of a living; in all probability, she had no idea the extent a man might reach just to care for her. One look at those haunting blue eyes and a man was likely to give up much to have her gaze rest happily upon him.
His decision was quick to come then. “I will assist you in the purchase of a house—you needn’t live in common rooms.” He held up his hand to forestall her coming objections. “That part is not debatable. But I insist that you remain at Benedict House until a proper and suitable residence can be found.”
“Then I insist upon working for my keep.”
My God! But she was stubborn. He almost smiled now, wondering if his own father had felt at wit’s end over her endless obstinacy. “You have enough to do to take care of Bethany,” he pointed out. When it was apparent that she would have argued further, Zachary decided to try a different approach. Brusquely,he announced, “I cannot havemystaff caring foryourchild when they’ve their own work to do. No, I will not allow it. And as your stay here might only amount to a few weeks, at most, I cannot have you thrown into the household mix, only to be yanked out so quickly—that would disrupt too much.”
Ah, so guilt was the weapon to use to best effect, he realized then, as Emma bit her cheek, but did accept this, as she was not eager to upset the household.
Zachary nearly laughed out loud at how easy that had been, determining that it was obvious his father had never used the guilt tactic to achieve his own desires for Emma Ainsley. Well, certainly not all of them. His mood soured once again—the thought of this girl having been his father’s mistress a damnable thing—Zach told her then that he would have Mrs. Conklin fetch Bethany and that they should make ready to retire for the evening.
He noticed that she stood up often to him, at times not cowed by him, but when she knew she was beaten, as was the case presently, she became a rather meek thing. He frowned over this, deliberating if this were to his liking or not. Perhaps having lived her life always as part of the serving class, it was not easy to put forward a brave mien at all times.
EMMA ONCE AGAIN SATacross from the Earl of Lindsey in his carriage, this one with an open top as the day was fine, the last vestiges of a cool and rainy spring seemingly evaporated altogether. As usual, she stole glances at him, still enamored of his handsomeness, if not his charm. Since his edict of three nights ago that she remain at Benedict House until a dwelling might be found for her, he had proven to be a foreboding presence. He’d insisted she dine with him, had been incensed when she politely refused, and then had proven a disagreeable host throughout the meal when she did appear in the Paneled Room, after he’d storm her apartments and angrily demanded her presence.
He’d presented her—via Mrs. Conklin, who was proud to effuse over ‘his lordship’s bounty’—with several more gowns and garments and slippers and cloaks, and so much more for Bethany. Again, she’d tried to resist, but to no avail. So she sat now across from him, dressed gaily in a white cotton empire-waist gown, with the most adorable shoes, adorned with pink ribbons; and she sported a thoroughly clever bonnet, such as she had never seen, trimmed with ribbons and pearls and protecting her not quite fair skin from the bright sun. She only wished she felt as merry as she was sure she looked.
