Page 55 of When She Loved Me
Sighing, having expected no less than this response, mournful though it was, he stood and afforded her at least a modicum of distance. He sat in the chair near the window, where the closed drapes provided no light, and watched as she scrambled to sit at the side of the bed, finding her dressing gown at the foot and swiftly donning this, effectively closing herself off to him.
“I only want to talk,” he said.
“I think we are beyond that or can dispense with the pretense that it will do us any good.” While still sleepy, her tone was yet sour.
“Will you at least allow me to explain my...latest screw-up?” He supposed his own voice reflected his weariness, his fear that no words could fix now the total of his misdeeds.
“Honestly, Trevor, there is no need.”
“Nevertheless, I will explain it, and I beg you to listen. Things left unsaid are just as wounds left untreated. They fester.”
“I fear I cannot stop you.”
He saw that her shoulders fell forward, as she sat and watched him in the near total darkness, which showed not much more than their silhouettes.
“Nicole, this is the rest of our lives, decided right here, right now—by what I say, and what you choose to hear.”
“I wish I’d thought to instruct you similarly on our wedding day.”
“You’re angry, and you have every right to be.” He leaned forward, put his elbows on his knees, threaded his fingers together. “I promise you I’ve only been an idiot because I honestly didn’t know where I stood with you. If I knew that you loved me, I’d have no fears, no doubts. I would be so very sure...and secure. But I don’t know that, and I can only live on hope for so long. I felt like I was barely treading water with you, and every ripple was like a behemoth wave crashing over me. I overreacted.” She said nothing, moved not at all, so that he pressed on, “I’ll preface the next part with,I now realize my mistake, but Nicki, when I saw that man leaning into you, when I heard your answering laugh, I...I didn’t stop to think. I jumped to conclusions and they were wrong, in a shamefully similar manner to how I treated you at the time of our wedding. And...I don’t need an explanation from you—I honestly do not—but I feel these things will just hang between us until all the facts are known...or told.”
He wished for light now, to see her, to try and determine her reaction, and then was glad there was none, which might have partially aided her calm manner, and level tone, when she said, “That man—Nester, by the way—did get fresh with me. There is no justification for his behavior, but I’ve given it some thought, and had concluded that because I was dressed quite plainly, and because I had donned a mop cap, as might any household maid, he might have assumed I was just that. When he...propositioned me, I was so startled, I just laughed. It was so ridiculous, of course. I thought,well, this is going to make for an awkward environment for him, once he realizes what he’s done.That was it.”
Calm, indeed. But underneath, he heard well the anger still. As he’d said, he didn’t need the words, he just wanted everything out in the open.
“Regarding our forced marriage, and my role in that,” she continued, to his surprise, and with a glaringly less level tone, “it is true that Sabrina—”
“Nicki, I don’t need—”
“Oh, but you do!” She threw at him, her tone piercing. “You’ll never forgive me, but I want you to know how wrong you were about me. I found Sabrina sobbing just that afternoon, and she begged me to please speak to you, to beg you to call it off. She wanted me to remind you that you were ruining her life, and only because you needed money. She was, as you know, in love with Marcus. Naturally I agreed to help my sister. I meant only to do as she asked, beg you to consider those other than yourself. Honestly, I was so in love with you, it was all I could do not to beg you to marry me instead. But I did not. I could not force you to love me, after all.” She stopped, and sniffled. “I imagine it was Sabrina who’d arranged for her and father and her godmother to ‘discover’ us. I’m not sure how she could have known that we...that you and I might...that they would walk in on what they did.”
“That was my fault,” he admitted, without shame. “There were a few occasions that your sister caught me staring at you. I thought I’d hidden it well, my desire for you.”
“Very well,” she said, seeming to have control of her emotions once again. “And there you have it, all exposed now. No more guessing. I suggest we forego pretending this has a chance, with such an ugly and tainted history, that would only infect any future.”
Trevor stood and reached her, went to his knees before her. With his hands on her legs, ignoring how awfully his wife stiffened at his touch, he said, “But Nicki, I want to fix it, not sweep it away, like it was nothing.”
“The truth as I know it, is this: you will, despite a full accounting just now, neither forgive nor forget what nefarious part you believe I played in our wedding, and your purpose currently has nothing to do with me, or us, but is only about begetting an heir.”
“Nicki, do you hear yourself? You are angry for my asinine assumptions and what they’ve done to us; yet, you’re committing the same crime.”
She brushed his hands away from her thighs, and stood, stomping away from the bed, away from him. “You want to stay married to create your heir and not for any other reason! Do not pretend otherwise!”
Trevor stood as well, and stalked her, but was shown only her back as she hugged the far bedpost. “I don’t give a damn if we never have a child, or if there be ten! I used that as a way to get you in my bed. You’d have fought with yourself until kingdom come before you allowed yourself to be loved by me. Yes, you are that stubborn. So I made the choice yours and dangled a carrotof a child before you! And admit it—you’re glad I did. You want the lovemaking as much as I. You may cling to your supposed hatred of me, but your body is past it and knows what it wants.”
She whirled on him. Tears glistened in her eyes. “It is not love that brings you to my bed at night!”
Trevor threw up his hands. “Dammit, Nicki, open your eyes! I was trying to make you fall in love with me again!” He shouted.
“And this is how you do it? By duplicitous means and shouting at me?”
“I was desperate—not exactly clever! I won’t change, Nicole. I rage and react, and I make mistakes. I think you do the same. And I love you all the same, because or in spite of—it doesn’t matter. I love you, as you are.” When it seemed she would say nothing, just stared at him with watery eyes, he heaved a heavy sigh, and ran his hand through his hair. “Damn it, Nicki. I love you. I can never undo what I’ve done to us, to you. Not a day goes by that I don’t revile and castigate and kick myself for my poor suppositions, and the actions I took because of these. Call me an idiot. Call me a jackass. Call me unsuitable or unworthy. I don’t care. But I need you to know that I loved you then, and I love you now. And I will not allow you to end this marriage. I just won’t allow it.” And then, roughly, while he met her gaze, “I will not—cannot—be without you.”
They stared. Ragged breaths met in the air between them. Trevor’s nostrils flared. Nicole’s lips quivered. He uttered, harshly, “I do not care if there is no child. Ever. I only want you.”
Her shoulders slumped. She dropped her face into her hands and cried. Some garbled statement was breathed. He thought it might have been, “Iwantso badly to believe you.”
Trevor took her in his arms, pressed her head against his chest, ran his fingers through her hair, and whispered, “Shh,” while she continued to weep. She was soft and pliant in his embrace. Fear diminished as hope surfaced.
