Page 14 of When She Loved Me
Decisively, Nicki told him, “You’ve had too much to drink. You don’t know what you’re saying.”
He had had too much to drink, and too quickly, but he was well aware of the thoughts and words he shared, perhaps the drink only served to do what sobriety could not—turn those thoughts into words. “Actually, I am quite possessed of all my faculties. Nicki, I want you—"
She pushed resolutely at his hands, disengaging herself completely. “I won’t listen to this, Trevor. I want to, if I’m honest with myself. But I cannot.” She moved further and further away from him, until she stood near the door. “When you’re sober again, we’ll talk.”
“Don’t leave me, Nicki,” he called, hating that she was so far out of his reach in so many regards.
She pulled open the door fully and offered him one last glance. It was the first he’d noticed these fresh tears, shimmering beneath the green of her eyes, breaking his heart.
“As if I could,” she murmured and left him.
THE VERY NEXT MORNING, having some niggling recollection of Nicki saying perhaps it might serve them both to advantage if she went away for a while, Trevor dressed hurriedly and found himself once again at the Kent townhouse, admitted by the ever unflappable butler, Bennett.
“Miss Nicole is abovestairs, my lord,” the butler informed him impertinently. “Shall I fetch her for you as Miss Sabrina is out calling.” The aged man managed to stare at Trevor with all the innocence of the unknowing, but lurking just beneath the surface, reflected in his words, was sure knowledge of Trevor’s intent.
He did not answer vocally, but nodded stiffly, his jaw tight. He didn’t wait to be shown to the drawing room, where he’d so many times been welcomed by Nicki, but strode their purposefully. His head pounded still, the effects of last night’s foray into the world of spirits and depravity rearing its ugly head. When the ball had ended he’d not retired immediately, but, having been so brutally excused by Nicki, had found welcome among his cronies at White’s, where he no doubt lost several hundred pounds—he could not recall exactly even now—and had drank yet more, with the improbable hope that alcohol might indeed ease his troubles as the lovely Nicki had not.
“You wanted to see me.”
Trevor turned from his perusal of the small terrace outside the long windows to face Nicki at the drawing room door where she hovered, her stance poised, ready for flight.
Without preamble, Trevor slipped his hands inside his trouser pockets and offered, “I wanted to apologize for my behavior of last eve.” His tone was curt, clipped. “You were right of course. I was inebriated.” He pursed his lips for a moment, seeming to consider carefully his words. “I can promise you such an occurrence will not happen again. Ever.” And he finally settled his gaze upon her, finding her to be tense, her face tightened with anxiety.
“Apology accepted, my lord,” she said stiffly, her eyes only coming so high as his rather hastily put together neckcloth. “Now, if you will excuse me, I’ve packing to do. I believe Sabrina is due—"
“Packing?” He repeated, focusing on this, and nothing else. For just the space of a second, he fidgeted, seeming to want to move, to protest heartily.
“I’m off to Audley End, Grandmother’s estate in Essex. I shall, of course, return in time for the...wedding.”
“Nicki,” he began, his tone, even to his own ears, sounding ragged, pleading, “I assure you this is unnecessary. I have promised that my behavior—"
“This has been arranged for months.”
He knew she lied. She hadn’t been looking directly at him to have now evaded his gaze for him to know this, but he did all the same. A disquiet enveloped her as surely as his arms once had. She was lying to him.
“Goodbye, my lord.”
Clenching his teeth, he could only nod. He had no choice. He’d spent the last many days wondering if he had any other option available to save the Leven title, looking for any escape. And he hated that his honor would not allow him to say, screw the earldom and the estates and all the people who depended upon him for their livelihood. Fifty thousand pounds! Damn it.
He watched, a pit of agony swelling in his belly as she moved to quit the room. At the last minute, he rushed her, reaching her in half a dozen swift and desperate strides, catching her just at the door. Trevor yanked her around by the arm, slamming the door closed behind her with the other hand.
So close to her face that he felt the hot little rushes of her breath upon him, he ground out, “Nicki, if I thought there was any other way....”
“For what, my lord?”
God damn her! She remained aloof, held tight to her injured sensibilities.
“For us, Nicki.”
She smiled at him, neither sweetly nor hopefully, but rather with disdain. “There will never be an us, my lord. I cannot afford you.”
“Don’t be this way, Nicki,” he begged, knowing he was pitiful. “I’m going to marry your sister, for God’s sake. Don’t hate me because I have no choice.” This was paramount presently. He would marry Sabrina. He would, damn it all to hell, but not if it caused Nicki to hate him. Anything but that.
The derision seemed to evaporate from her visage as quickly as it had come. “I shall never hate you, Trevor,” she whispered brokenly. “Icouldnever hate you. But I cannot stand by and watch you...” she faltered, unable to finish.
“I know.” Trevor pulled her into his arms and held her, stroking her hair, soothing her while she cried. This was all he would ever have of her, he knew. In less than two months, he would forever belong to another.
Never to her.
