Page 165 of Fate and Flame
Wren’s door opened and she came around the corner. She found me huddled on the floor, and rather than asking questions or even trying to convince me to get up, she just plopped down beside me, wrapped her arm around me, and laid her head on my shoulder as I cried.
“I’m so sorry,” she said. “I wish I could bring her back. I wish I could bring them all back.”
“I’m glad you’re still here with me.” I laid my head on hers.
A few days later, most of the surviving population, save the criminals still to be dealt with, stood alongside us in the vast open desert, watching a great, symbolic funeral pyre for all of our fallen brethren.
Fenlas spoke. His words quick, simple, and powerful. “Right now, it’s hard to remember that we haven’t lost everything. It’s hard to smile and it’s hard to heal. It’s hard to find a normal in this new life. We will never be the same. And while I’m sorry for that, I’m also happy for it. There are no more divides in this world. Each of you are equal. Each of you has a place in this world. It won’t be easy; in fact, picking up the pieces and rebuilding is going to be harder than any of us are prepared for. But nothing worth doing is ever easy. I’m proud to stand before you as your king and beside you as a male who has seen his own losses. I hope you’ll remember from this day until your last day that life is fleeting. It is precious. Even if you live two thousand years, as my father did, the small moments still matter.”
I reached for Greeve’s hand, and he didn’t pull away. If absolutely nothing else, he’d gotten out of bed this day. He was trying. And each day, that was all I would ask of him, though I knew some days that was more than he could give.
Fen came to stand beside me again as he led us in a final prayer.
“Into lightness and darkness, into shadows and mist, may you rest for eternity. Over the mountains and beneath the sea, let your souls find peace. May nature keep your soul, the wind hold your memories, the river bless your spirit and the fire carry you away.”
Chapter Forty
Temir
The morning after the funeral pyre I stood on the edge of our balcony and looked over the wounded world with fresh eyes. It was done. Over. All the pain and suffering from years upon years of torment had ended. The sun was brighter, the sky clearer, but still, the cloud over our hearts remained.
“The sun will set on this day, whether you will it or not. It will rise tomorrow on a new day, and you will once again start anew. The decisions you made in the past, will not stop the sun, or the moon, or the stars from their dance across the sky. You must always move on, son. Hard as it may be.”
Oleonis’ final words to me sat heavy upon my heart. Had he known then how impactful those words would be?
“Do you want me to read it?” Nadra asked, pointing to the worn paper in my hand. I’d left it on the counter in the bathing room for days. I’d stuck it in my pocket after that. I pulled it out, ran my fingers over the parchment and placed it back inside time and time again.
“It doesn’t matter what it says. It changes nothing.”
“Then shred it up and toss it away,” she said, challenging me.
“Fine.” I pinched the paper between the fingers on each of my hands but couldn’t do it. Instead, I handed it to her, tucked my head, and leaned against the ivory balcony pillar. “Just read it to yourself.”
I heard the rustling of paper as she unfolded the note my father had given King Fenlas and listened to the static in the air as her eyes swept the withered page. As she sniffled. As she gently folded the paper back up and held it out to me. “Read it,” she whispered.
And so, I opened the paper and willed myself to look down. Half the page was in worn text, the bottom half, a handwritten note.
To my Aeson,
It’s been twenty days since you were taken. Twenty days since I’ve slept. Twenty days of searching and scouring and threatening the gryla of The Bog for information. You’re gone. The priest insisted we hold a service for you today. During that service, he spoke of forgiveness, intending to encourage me not to hold hate for your kidnapper. For your murderer. Instead, I wondered if I needed that sermon to find a way to forgive myself. From the day you were born, I was not the father you deserved. I looked at you and remembered your mother, the only love of my life. I blamed you, an innocent child, for the loss of her. I made excuses for sending you away. And now you’re really gone forever.
They say you will realize what you had once it has left you. I had so much in you, my son. I was the fool who could not see beyond my own sorrow to the gift your mother had left me with. Now I pray that the gods have delivered you to her arms and she is smiling as brightly as the day we learned you were coming. There would never be a prouder mother. I was never the father you deserved, but she was always the mother you did. Someday, I will see you in the Ether, my son. And I will beg your forgiveness.
Temir,
This was the letter I wrote to you the day we said goodbye. We never knew the king kept our children alive. Your mother named you. She must have dreamed you would be a healer. I never thought you would ever stand before me, but I should have fallen to my knees and begged your forgiveness. I will never get it right, I’m afraid. I pray to the gods you never lose your mate, that you never have to suffer life without her. It seems I’ll never be a father to you. That was never my journey. But I pray one day your heart heals and seeks me out. I’m sorry for the life you lived, suffocating under the fist of a king who would never love you. I’m sorry that I failed you, failed your mother. Broken hearts never fully heal. At least mine never has.
I wish you well in your life, son. The door is always open.
Heva
I crumpled the paper in my fist and let it drop to the floor. I would always be grateful that he came in the moment we needed him most. But that was as far as it would ever go for me. He could hide behind his walls and send his apologies. I wasn’t sure I would ever forgive him.
Nadra reached for my hand and pulled it to her chest. She searched my eyes for emotion. “He apologized. And he’s the only family we have in the world. I’d give anything to have my mother back.”
“Your mother loved you. Protected you. Even in her final moments, she fought.”
“Heva loves you too, Tem. Maybe he is rotten at showing it, but he does.”
