Page 39 of Bleeding Hearts
“Because I love Alek like a brother, which also means loving Evan. Evan loves you, Alice loves you, and Alek loves you, so I do as well. Besides, Lally, when you’re struggling, that’s when you need your friends. I know you would do the same for me if I asked. It’s who you are. We might not be as close as the others,but I find peace in your madness,” he admits. “You make me smile, and I love that you make the people I care for most in the world happy.”
“You know, everyone thinks you’re a real asshole.” His eyebrows rise, and I find myself smiling. “But you aren’t, are you?”
“I can be,” he replies, “when you mess with people I care about.” He sits back and observes me. “I’ve been where you are, Lally.” He reaches over, covering my hand with his. “I mean it. You think it’s easier to wallow alone in the darkness and that it can’t possibly get better, but it’s not true. I suffered alone for years, pretending I was fine, but I wasn’t. You have permission to ruin your own life, but you wouldn’t just be ruining yours. That’s what gets me through now when things get hard.”
“You have Skylar,” I respond.
“And you have Alice,” he retorts, and my eyes widen. “I don’t want to hear your excuses. That girl loves you more than anything. I won’t get involved, since it’s your business, but you’re not alone. I know it isn’t easy to accept, and it’s so much easier to cut yourself off than reach out, but we won’t let you. Whatever you’re going through, we are here for you, and we understand.” He squeezes my hand. “I lost someone I loved very much. I was young and stupid and thought it was the end of the world. I thought I didn’t deserve to be happy, but Skylar, our friends, and you proved me wrong. You fought for me and made me part of your family, and I’m not letting that go. Do you hear me? I lost my family once, I won’t do it again, so I need you to be strong. I need you to look into the darkness and tell it to fuck off with that Lally attitude we all love. I’m not telling you that you have to be okay, but I’m telling you to fight.”
“I’m trying,” I say. “I really want to.”
“That’s all that matters, and until you can, we will be here, making sure you’re alive long enough to fight back.” He nods atmy food again. “Which means eating, unless you want to offend Skylar and his ability to cook.”
“I thought you said you cooked it?” I scoff.
“Hell no, you’d be dead if I cooked.” He winks.
My laughter bursts out of me, and for the first time in a long time, I feel the pressure on my shoulders lighten a little.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
She’s ignoring me, or trying to. She’s lying on her bed, pretending to sleep. I’ll admit that I took as many of the sleepover shifts as I could because I want to be close to her, but also because I know she struggles the most at night.
“Why do you sleep so much when you have nightmares?” I ask. She woke up screaming the last few times I was here, and it didn’t take a genius to figure out what happened. She is bound to have them after everything that has occurred.
She doesn’t reply for so long, I think she won’t, but then I hear a creak from the bed and her voice is soft as she speaks. “Because it’s the only time I get to see him again.”
That sends a dagger right into my heart, ripping it open. I climb to my knees and prop my elbows on the bottom of her bed, looking up at her. She doesn’t glance my way, but I know she senses me.
“It isn’t always nice when I see him . . . but it’s better than not seeing him at all and forgetting his dimple when he smiled or the way his laughter would bounce off walls. The pain is better than nothing.”
“I barely remember my parents,” I murmur.
She sits up, her eyes wide as she stares at me.
“I was young and thought I was too good to cling to them all the time. My father wasn’t a good man, but he was still my father. My mom was kind. She liked jazz music and collecting records. Sometimes I swear I can still hear her laughter as she would dance around way too early on a Sunday morning, the notes filling the house with warmth. Those were the days when my dad wasn’t there. When he was, it was silent and cold. Alek tried so hard to earn their love, but they were always fighting. Me? They didn’t even notice me. I think my dad forgot I existed until he needed something.
“When they died, it hurt a lot. I loved them because they were my parents, but they were also strangers. I didn’t know what would happen next, but Alek stepped up. He didn’t have to. Most wouldn’t have at his age, but he did. He held me as I cried, planned their funerals, and learned everything about makeup, hair, and periods. I’d catch him listening to tutorials and blogs at night about raising young girls. He tried to be a better parent than my father, and he has been, but sometimes I miss them. I miss those lazy Sunday jazz mornings, and I even miss my father’s anger. Stupid, right?”
“No. Not stupid. Not even a little,” she murmurs as she lies down, this time toward the end of the bed, her head close to mine.
I rest my head on her duvet, our eyes locked. “I wouldn’t trade my life now for anything. Alek is a better family than they ever were, but I still miss them. We are allowed to miss those who are gone. Tommy was your family, and he loved you. It was in everything he did and said. I can’t begin to even imagine how much it hurts losing him, but just like I had Alek, you have me. I’m not going anywhere. You won’t ever be alone.”
Her eyes are glassy with tears before she blinks rapidly, as if unwilling to let them fall. “I don’t have any family either, not anymore. You are all I have. Evan, Alek, even Bones andSkylar . . . and you. I’m a bitch and pushed you all away, but I love all of you. I really do. That night at your house before everything happened . . . it was the happiest night of my life. I was surrounded by friends and laughter, good food and music, and you. For one night, I got to be truly happy, but people like me don’t get that kind of life, Alice. We don’t get to be happy. Suffering is all we know.”
“Then we’ll suffer together,” I tell her as I cup her cheek and turn her head toward me. Her eyes are wide, and she looks so lost and tired. “Rest your sword, I’ll fight for our future. I’ll fight until you get to be that happy again. Life is fucking hard. I don’t believe in those shit sayings, like it never throws more at you than you can handle. It’s bullshit. Life is out to wreck you. Things will always come up—stress, pain, heartache. It will always be there waiting for you, so you have to find happiness in the little moments and the people around you. I will always stand at your side, just as you stood at mine on the worst night of my life.”
“I’m tired of hurting,” she admits, leaning into my touch for a moment, closing her eyes. “I’m so very fucking tired.”
“Then sleep. I’ll keep your nightmares at bay,” I murmur as I kiss her cheek, unable to resist. My lips linger on her skin, and when I’m about to pull back, she turns her head, pressing her lips to mine. It’s soft and over way too quickly, but when she pulls back, she’s smiling slightly. “Alice Anders, my hero,” she teases.
“I’ll be whatever you need, as long as it’s yours,” I whisper, glancing at her lips again. “That’s all I want. To be yours.”
“I’m no good, Alice.” She tries pulling away, but I don’t let her. I tug her toward me, and we fall together, her hands on my shoulders and my head above hers. Her eyes are round and wide as she stares up at me in shock.
“I don’t care. I don’t care about any of it,” I tell her.
“Alice, please, just stop. I can’t, okay? Just stop trying. Stop asking for permission?—”
