Page 38 of Bleeding Hearts
“You can’t leave me,” he whispers. “You’re my family. I can’t lose you.” His voice is choked when it reaches my ears, and the agony in his words splinters my heart.
“I won’t,” I reply, wrapping my arms around him. How could I put him through what I’m experiencing with Tommy? How could I be so selfish?
I stroke his back as I comfort him, both of us crying for what we lost, what has become of us, and what we are suffering.
“I miss him,” I admit as I sniffle, my whole body shaking with the force of my confession and pain, but I prefer it to numbness. “I miss him so fucking much sometimes, it feels like I’m dying. It’s like he’s dying over and over, and every night, I’m not fast enough to save him. I see his ghost everywhere on campus.”
“Me too,” he admits as he pulls away, his face red and covered in tears. “Every classroom, every cafeteria . . . I can’t even go into the lab anymore because his empty chair kills me. He should be there, laughing with us and making jokes. I know you think I’m okay and dealing with it, but I’m not. It’s my fault he’s dead. He died protecting me, and I hate it. Worst of all, I can’t stand the thought of you hating me. It’s why I pulled away, because I couldn’t meet your eyes. It’s selfish, Lally, and I’m sorry, but I thought you would blame me like I blame myself, and I didn’t want to see that, so I let you suffer alone, and I’m so fucking sorry. He would be ashamed of me.”
His words rip open a wound, and I peer into my best friend’s eyes and realize they are as haunted as mine. We’ve both been struggling, our guilt eating us alive and pulling us apart when it should have brought us together.
“Of both of us,” I say, wiping my tears away. “He’d be ashamed of both of us. It’s not your fault, Evan. I don’t blame you. I never did. He died . . . . He was killed.” The word destroysme. “It was nobody’s fault but that bastard’s. He died protecting you, someone he loved, so don’t take that from him, but it hurts. It hurts so fucking much.”
“I’m sorry I wasn’t here—” I cover his mouth, pressing my forehead against his. Something about seeing him suffer and hearing his words awakens me, dragging me back to reality. Evan is suffering as well and has been all along. I thought my best friend moved on and couldn’t stand to have me in his life since I was so dark and lost, but the truth is, he is lost too. “I’m sorry I blamed you the other night. Honestly, I pulled away as well. I didn’t let you in. I could have asked for your help, but it was easier to blame you than to admit I wasn’t strong enough to. I know you love me and would have been there for me if I let you.”
“We are both idiots,” he scoffs, wiping away my tears as we lean into each other. “He’d be so mad at both of us.”
“You know what he’d say, stop being idiots.” I chuckle, those familiar words filling my head, and for once, it doesn’t hurt me.
“Death? Nah, I’m kicking it waiting for you.” Evan lowers his voice to match Tommy’s, and I can’t help but laugh. “Now stop being sad and shit. It isn’t good for your looks.”
Our laughter tapers off as we stare at each other.
“It’s okay to miss him,” Evan whispers. “I know I do, but I don’t want you to stop living your life because of it. He would hate that you are blaming yourself and suffering. He would kick your ass.”
“But he’s gone.”
“And you need to live for him,” he snaps. “We both do. We need to live long lives for him since he didn’t get to. That’s the way I see it anyway.”
His words make me blink. I’ve never thought of it that way. “I was so focused on the hole he left, I didn’t think beyond that. I’msorry, Evan, for hurting you and pulling away. You’re my best friend—my brother, my family.”
“Shh, it’s okay. Families fight, but we always make up, and I’ll always be here for you. I promise I’ll be better. I’ll be here whenever you need me. I’ll stop burying my head in the sand. I’m sorry for being such a shitty friend.” He drags me closer, holding me tightly.
Part of me heals with his words. I wish I could say it makes it all better, that I realize I can be happy and move on, but grief doesn’t work like that. I’m happy Evan and I are okay, and I’m glad I understand where he’s coming from, but I’m still an open wound, and one night won’t fix that, but for the first time in a long time, I want to be around long enough to see it heal.
Evan is right. I can’t die for Tommy. He would hate me for it, so that means I have to live for him.
He gave his life for us, and I’ll live mine for him.
I’ll make him proud.
I’m trying this new thing where I don’t lash out in anger. The realization that everyone else is still hurting is profound and solidifies my bond with them. They didn’t give up on me, even when they probably should have.
It’s a slow few days as I detox from drinking every night. I tried to go to a party last night, and when I stepped out of the dorm, Skylar was waiting there. He simply pointed back inside, and I knew I had no choice. The boy is way too fast for me to outrun him.
That means no drinking. It also means showing up to classes, since one of them is always waiting to walk me. It means not giving them a reason to worry more than they already have been.
The little things are the hardest—finding the energy to brush my teeth, get dressed, and remember to eat—but I try for my friends, and when I can’t, they do it for me, but never obviously.
“Here, I made extra last night,” Bones says as he hands over Tupperware at dinnertime. There are veggies, rice, and meat inside, and he even slides a drink over. “Would you believe the machine gave me two?”
“You’re a terrible liar for a lawyer,” I tease.
He simply grins and focuses on his book, taking a bite of his lunch, which matches mine every now and again. Opening the lunch box, I pick at the food, knowing I need to eat. The stress of when the next game will be is weighing on me, but I need to win. I need that money. My deadline is creeping up, and my friends are already doing so much for me. I don’t want to tell them about this as well. I know now if I told them, they would help. Hell, Bones and Skylar would hand the cash over without question, Alek and Evan too. Alice would even find a way, maybe rob a bank, but it’s my problem to fix. I got myself into this mess, so I need to get myself out of it. I have to prove to myself I can fix this.
When Bones checks on my progress with the food and gives me a glare, I shovel it in without tasting it.
“Why are you doing this?” I ask. “I get Alice and Evan, and even Alek to an extent, but why you? We aren’t that close. Yes, we’re friends, but not close enough to do this.”
