Page 33 of Bleeding Hearts
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Ifeel the room closing in on me as they all stare at me, waiting for an answer. His words echo in my head like an accusation. I can’t breathe or think.
This isn’t for me—this is for them, to make them feel better so they can hold up their hands and say they tried.
“I asked you to keep an eye on her.” Alek sighs.
“So she’s my responsibility?” I snap, looking at him in disbelief.
He blinks and frowns. “No, I didn’t mean?—”
“I know exactly what you meant.” I laugh bitterly, my heart splintering as everything I’ve been holding back floods up my throat. “It’s my responsibility to look after her and keep her safe and happy. You made that clear, but who the fuck looks after me?” I see Evan flinch, but I surge forward. “You have each other. Sky has Bones, and Alice has you, but who the fuck do I have? No one. I’m completely fucking alone. Do you even know that I’m hanging on by a fucking thread, or that my whole world is collapsing around me? I’m fucking drowning, and no one even noticed!” I feel tears burn my eyes, and I hate how weak I feel when I’m angry.
“I’m just what, expected to be okay? Expected to move on, look after Alice, and be the same best friend to you I was before? What happened to Alice was fucked up and horrible. It wasn’t her fault, and it’s so messed up, but it happened to me too!” I shout, my chest heaving as I lurch to my feet. “And I think you all forget that it happened to me. I lost my best friend.” My voice cracks as tears spill down my cheeks. “I lost my best friend and then I lost all of you. I was reaching for you, and you were moving on, leaving me stuck back there with his fucking screams in my ears. I’m just expected to shoulder it, and I can’t, okay? I can’t when I feel like I’m dying with each breath.”
Evan’s crying now, but I can’t stop. It spills from me like the blood that spilled from Tommy that night.
My lips tremble as my fists clench. “So no, I haven’t looked after her because right now, I can’t even look after myself. Do you know that I drink every single day? That I can’t get through a day without alcohol because it numbs the void inside me?” I smack my fist into my chest, embracing the pain. “It’s the only time I can breathe when I’m struggling. I’m dying, and you don’t even notice. You sit here pretending like everything is fine, but I can’t. Tommy is dead, and he isn’t coming back. I lost everything that night, and I’m dying.”
“You know that’s not what we meant,” Alek whispers, tears trailing down his face as Evan sobs against his side.
“I know what you meant, I know what you expect of me, but I can’t do it. I can’t be who I was before. I can’t give you a laugh and make you feel like everything is okay. I don’t want to take care of someone else and fail them. I don’t want to lose anyone else. I want someone to take care of me and tell me it’s going to be okay.”
“Lally . . .” Evan stumbles to his feet. “I’m sorry. I never meant for you to feel like you were alone. You just seemed fine. You kept telling me you were, and I just assumed?—”
“Because I love you,” I scream, “and I didn’t want you to have to shoulder this with me. I wanted you to be happy, but don’t ask me to sit here and listen to this bullshit when I have given everything for you. I gave up my best friend. I gave up my family. I gave up my fucking soul. What more do you want from me?”
“Lally . . .” He reaches for me, but I step back.
A hand catches mine, and I glance to the side to see Alice. Tears roll down her cheeks as she tugs me to her, trying to get me to stay.
“I can’t do this.” I mean the intervention, but she flinches. I slide my hand free of hers before I can change my mind. “I can’t do any of this. Have your intervention and make your jokes. Have your happy little family, but don’t include me in it.”
Turning away, I rip the door open and run out.
I hear them yelling and cursing me, but I run as fast as I can.
I run from the truth.
My demons can’t be outrun though. They wait for me when I stop blocks away and crumple to my knees, letting the sobs free.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
“Icould fucking kill you!” I shout at Alek as we walk back into the house.
She’s nowhere in sight. Lally is just . . . gone.
“Me?” he yells. “What did I do? I was trying to help?—”
There’s a crash, and we turn as Skylar comes back into the room, panting. “Don’t worry, I hid all the knives and sharp objects. I wasn’t sure about the toothpicks, but I hid them too.”
We stare at him, beyond frustrated. “Why?” Alek asks.
“She said she was going to kill you,” he replies like it’s obvious.
“It was a figure of speech,” I snap, brushing my tears away.
My chest is tight with anger and panic. The look in her eyes . . . it haunts me.
