Page 3 of Bleeding Hearts
“Lally,” she croaks. “Talk to me. What’s happening? This isn’t you.”
“This is me.” I throw my arms wide. “You’re just another in a long line of lovers, Alice, so take the escape while you can. I’m not worth it.”
I don’t know what she reads in those words or the crack in my voice, but her expression softens, and she steps closer. “That’s for me to decide.”
“No, it’s not. Get out, Alice, and stay away from me. I don’t want you. I don’t want to spend my time teaching some little girl how to please me. I don’t want to be your experiment or trip on the wild side. Go back to your perfect little life and leave my fucked-up one alone.”
“I know you’re struggling?—”
“You don’t know shit!” I spit with a bitter laugh. “You don’t know anything, Alice, so stop fucking pretending. You’re still a scared little girl hiding behind your brother, and I’m sick of you following me around. Get out before I throw you out.” Turningaway, I head to my desk and sit, refusing to look at her and the damage I’ve caused.
It’s a lie. Alice has grown up so much recently, and she’s flourishing into a confident, independent woman, yet even after everything, she never stopped being kind and caring. Where that night changed me, making me angry and bitter, she used it to reinforce her faith that there is good, and people deserve that.
We are so fucking different, and all this time, I have been leeching off her kindness, desperate to feel a shred of the happiness she does, but tonight, I realized I won’t ever be the old Lally again, no matter what anybody wants.
She died with him.
“I might not know everything, Lally, but I know you’re struggling. You don’t mean any of this. When you are ready to talk, I’ll be there. You can’t push me away no matter how much you want to. We’re friends. I care about you, and I hate that you are in pain. I’ll be on the other end of the phone when you decide to stop being a coward and let me in.”
I flinch because she’s right—I’m a fucking coward.
She hesitates at the door, but I don’t look at her, and when I finally hear it shut, the tension in my shoulders unwinds and I sigh heavily, my eyes on the pictures on my desk.
I hurt her, but it’s for the best.
I am not someone Alice Anders can fix or love. I’m too broken for that.
I can’t be what she wants.
Picking up the photo of Evan, Tommy, and me, I swallow the pain threatening to choke me. This is my constant now, making me selfish and angry. I stare at Tommy’s smiling face and realize I can’t remember what he smelled like.
It’s enough to send me spiraling once more, just like every night since he died.
I knew she would tell him.
I stare at my phone vibrating with the call, Evan’s name and grinning face staring back at me, but I don’t have the energy to answer it, so I watch it ring and then stop. Two minutes later, a message comes through, and it makes me want to scream.
I just want the whole world to leave me alone. I can’t deal. Can’t they see that?
I can’t pretend to be what they need me to be.
I can’t pretend to be okay all the time, and nobody really cares if I’m not. It just makes them feel bad, so I started ignoring them.
I know my friends are worried, but I can’t seem to care, not as the darkness drags me under. Gripping my bedspread, I shove it over my head, the darkness wrapping around me like a comforting hug, and try to ignore everything else.
Her scent is all over my bed, so I kick off my bedding with a scream. I lie flat on the mattress, breathing heavily, and feel tears slide down my cheeks before I wipe them away. I fucking hate crying.
Knowing tonight is going to be filled with nightmares, I get up, get dressed, and head out.
I can’t have her, but there are faceless others I can lose myself in. I don’t want to feel anything tonight.
With the first drink of alcohol at the party, I lose myself, and I don’t come up for air for a very long time.
I let it drown me.
I let everything else go, focusing on the numbness I find in a bottle.
CHAPTER TWO
