Page 2 of Bleeding Hearts
I’ve changed. Anger and self-hatred constantly fill me, and the only way I can forget is to focus on something else. Tonight, it’s her. I know it will change things between us, but I can’t offer her anything but pleasure. Not right now. How can I be there for someone else when I can’t even be there for myself? I’m falling apart, so I grip her skin like a lifeline.
Her cream explodes across my tongue, and the way her moans fill my tiny dorm room lets me know she is going to be so sweet when I fuck her. I bet she’ll scream for me and claw my back. I can’t fucking wait. I’ll lose myself between her thighs and ride out another night of memories.
“Oh fuck, I never knew it would feel this good.” She whimpers.
Lifting my head, I lick my lips and grin at her, knowing it actually reaches my eyes for once, which it hasn’t since . . . well, then. “You mean with a girl?”
Her face flames as she looks at me, and her teeth bite her bottom lip, making my smile fade.
“Alice?” I murmur in confusion.
“I mean with anyone,” she replies softly, and I freeze. “I’m a virgin.”
Those three words ring in my head so loudly, I feel sick. My desire flees in the wake of her confession, turning to horror and self-hatred.
Fuck!
She is choosing me to be her first, which doesn’t always have to be something special, but for her, I know it is, and I’m using her. I’m fucking her because I need to chase off my demons. She could be anyone, but she’s fucking me because she wants me, and that makes me hate myself a little more than normal.
I realize this would mean everything to her and make it impossible for her to walk away. You don’t save this for that long and give it to someone you don’t care about. No, I would ruin her if I did this. This should be a good memory for her that’s untainted by my issues, so I’ll make her hate me.
Her eyes widen in worry as she closes her legs and covers her breasts with her hands self-consciously. “Lally, did I do something wrong?” she asks, sounding so innocent and hesitant that I feel like a fucking perv.
“No, but trust me, you don’t want me to be your first,” I mutter as I sit up and wipe my mouth with the back of my hand. I can still taste her, and it makes me hate everything about this moment. I’ve already ruined my life. I won’t ruin hers too.
“Wait, what?” She sits up, crossing her arms over her chest, her big eyes imploring me to talk to her, to tell her I’m joking. “I want this. I want you?—”
Cutting my hand through the air, I silence her as I grab my shirt and pull it back on, the jersey falling to my knees as I scramble from the bed and stand at the end of it, needing to get away from her before I say fuck it and just fuck her like I want.
This will only end one way—hurting her. I might be a complete jerk, but I’m not that far gone. Alice is nice, good, and kind, and she doesn’t deserve this for her first time.
No, it will be easier if she hates me. She’s the type to understand and wait, so I need her to leave and never come back before I don’t have the strength to reject her again.
“If I did something wrong, let me know. You can teach me what you like.” Despite her bold words, her face blushes in embarrassment, her gaze averted in shame and sadness.
God, she’s so fucking sweet.
I can’t do sweet. I can’t do innocent.
I’ll rot it from the inside out, just like my own soul.
“This was a mistake,” I snap harsher than I mean to.
Her head jerks up, her eyes starting to glisten with tears. I didn’t mean it that way, but it does the trick. It’s easier if she hates me. It will achieve what I need. She pulls her skirt up and slides her shirt on, covering herself with shaking hands. I make myself memorize her trembling hands and tear-filled eyes. I use it to feed my hatred so I never forget why I should stay away from her.
This is all I can offer her. There’s nothing left. My soul, heart, dreams, and future are in the ground alongside him.
Can’t she see I’m doing this for her?
I don’t think I could stand having Alice Anders regret me.
She hesitates near the bed, raising her eyes to mine again. “I don’t know what I did. Being a virgin isn’t a big deal. It’s my birthday, my choice, and I’m choosing you.”
“Don’t,” I snap, and she flinches at my cruel tone, so I prowl toward her. She backs up and almost trips, staring at me like I’ma stranger. Maybe I am because I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I try not to breathe as I draw closer, not wanting her sweet scent to wrap around me and lower my resolve. “Go home, Alice. Find a nice guy or even a girl to settle down with—one without issues. Whatever you’re into.”
“You,” she whispers, her eyes big. “I’m into you. I didn’t see anyone until you. It doesn’t matter to me that you’re a girl. It’s you I want. I fell for you and what’s inside?—”
“You have no idea what’s inside me, little girl,” I snarl cruelly. “You’re just some easy ass for me. Don’t you see that?” Fuck, I hate myself right now. “This was never anything more than a quick fuck. Don’t confuse me with the forever type. I’m not that. It isn’t my fault you made me into something I’m not in your head.”
