Page 44 of A Man To Remember
And even when there's nowhere left for me to go, Austin takes another step forward, pressing into me with full force, tongue exploring my mouth, gliding against mine in an effortless dance like we've been practicing this for multiple lifetimes.
He says something, or tries to, his words becoming unintelligible sounds that die in my throat. He does this two more times before he releases my mouth.
His entire body is pinning me to the wall, face close enough that I can feel every breath on my skin. If I lifted my feet now, I wouldn't fall.
It takes me a moment to realize he's waiting for an answer to what I now assume must have been a question.
I chuckle. "You'll have to repeat that."
His tongue makes an appearance again, at the corner of his parted mouth before he says, "Do you have any condoms?"
My breath catches in my throat and suddenly I'm grateful for his full-body support, preventing me from falling over as mycock leaks pre-cum, staining his jeans, or his shirt, or whatever offending piece of fabric is currently separating our flesh.
My excitement is short-lived though, the last operational brain cell reminding me I have none.
I swallow, and shake my head.
"Fuck. Lube?"
Fuck indeed.
I shake my head again.
If he's disappointed, he doesn't show it. Instead, the corners of his eyes crinkle in silent amusement and he tilts his head slightly. "Seriously?"
I suck in my lower lip and try to think of the least embarrassing way to put it. Finally, I settle on, "Sorry. This wasn't exactly on my calendar, you know?"
And although it's the truth, it isn't exactly the reason.
Because the chip with a seven on it doesn't just mark my sobriety. It's also a stark reminder that I haven't had sex in seven years.
I've never had sex sober.
Not for one particular reason, either. Early on, in recovery, it was encouraged, but then, years passed and I just…I'm not sure, really. It's not like I never wanted to. Maybe I was scared. Maybe I didn't want to find out if I'm any good when it's just me, with nothing to pump me up, or calm me down, or drown out insecurities. Maybe I've just gotten used to handling things on my own.
Of course right now I want to strangle that fuckingmaybeversion of myself, or at least tell him to keep a condom in his wallet for good luck, if nothing else.
"Damn. Had I known, I'd have brought some with me, but…" He places a quick, close-mouthed kiss on my lips. "It wasn't on my calendar either."
For a second I think he might do something stupid, like take a step back, so I let go of my cock, and place both hands on his hips to keep him close. Just in case. "Maybe there are other things we can do."
The corners of his eyes crinkle again and his mouth twitches. God, he looks so good when he tries not to smile. "Yeah? Like what?"
I shrug, and it's my turn to fight a smile. "Aren't you the expert?"
Then, he loses our spontaneous game of stupid chicken and laughs first. "Am I?"
His laughter's gone, replaced by a surprised yelp the second I push off the wall, taking his body with me and spinning us around until it's his back that connects with the wall.
Once I have him where I want him, I take a step back, keeping my palms on his chest, making sure he stays in place.
"You know," I start, and once it's clear he's not going to run away, I let my hands roam his chest, cherishing the subtle flex of his muscles through his shirt. "I know I might have jumped the gun earlier, and for all the wrong reasons, but…"
And with that, I let Austin imagine what the rest of the sentence would have been as I slowly drop to my knees for the second time today.
My hands don't shake this time, steady fingers making quick work of undoing his pants. When I push down the zipper, his cock pushes out, as if trying to break free from his underwear.
In the back of my mind, a faint voice reminds me of the gravity of what I'm about to do, supplying doubts and fears and an entire menu of unhelpful thoughts. But I don't let it grow any louder, don't leave it any room to breathe as I push both layers down, down his thighs, past his knees, all the way down to his ankles.
